Missing you baby girl!

I'm missing you so much right now my sweet baby girl! I miss your smile, your hugs, your kisses, your sweet voice & your precious demeanor! The start of this month has been hard. Last September was the last month before I knew you were sick. Your battle has been on my mind a lot lately! You fought so hard baby! You had a courage & strength inside of you that few people who walk this earth ever discover. Linds keeps telling me that you are coming home soon. My heart aches when she says that! I wish more then anything you were coming home. I miss my twins! I miss watching you two play together. Life is so different now. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you! The memories of you make me smile! You brought so much joy into my life. You and Lindsey truly are the best birthday present I have ever received. I can't wait to see you again someday! I know that our separation is only temporary. Someday we will all be together again in the arms of our Abba Father. Until then I will carry you in my heart! You are now & forever my precious baby girl! I love you most Lex! 


2 Corinthians 4:18- "For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!"

You are ALWAYS enough!

I moved back down to school yesterday. The idea of moving back to school was really hard for me to handle this time. When I moved last year I left 6 beautiful children. I never thought that I would move home to only 5. Our lives have changed so dramatically! Even decorating my room was difficult. Last year pictures of Lexis covered my desk as well as scriptures that I was praying over her during her battle with liver failure. This year I made a picture board that includes pictures of my whole family & my best friends. I have 3 of my favorite pictures of Lexi on it...

I love the top one! She was such a silly little girl! She was always making me laugh. The one of the twins is my absolute favorite of those two! It really captures what it was like having twins. They were inseparable! There were so many times that I had to clean up the kitchen cause they spilled the soap, or got into the lotion... my favorite was when they squirted an entire tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom floor! They were a mess, but they were my little messes. The last one is my last picture with Lexi. It was taken two weeks before she passed away. I had driven home in the middle of the week because I was going nuts without being able to hold her! I can't begin to describe how hard it was to know that she was sick & also know that 90% of the time I wasn't gonna be with her. Donna went out with her mom & sister that night & gave me one last night with Lex. When I kissed Lexi that night she told me she would always be my baby girl! I treasure this picture, as well as the words she said to me that night. 


Before Lexi died I had a complete trust in my Lord. I truly believed that He performed miracles & that prayer changed people's lives. From the very moment I received that phone call that she was gone my whole perspective about God changed. I didn't stop loving Him, but I stopped believing that He really acted in our lives on an every day basis. My problem was never that I didn't believe in God's goodness, it was that I knew how good He was & couldn't understand why He didn't help us! Looking back months later I am beginning to realize that my first perspective about God was not wrong! I was completely correct in believing that He is good, He is holy, He is love, He is all powerful, & He is in complete control. I was in the truest & purest form of worship I have ever found myself in while she was sick & even after she passed away. I knew that I could not handle this alone! I needed God to carry me! He was the only one who could help me. In the last several months I have said things in prayer that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. On countless occasions I have accused God of not doing His job & His response consistently has been "I'm big enough Kayla! I can handle your hurt, your doubt, your questions, your anger! Throw it to me & let me hold you!" 


My verse while Lexis was sick was "Be still & know that I am God," that being the reasoning behind my blog title. I had no option other then accepting His wisdom & today I am in the same position! I can stay angry & heartbroken forever. I can choose to quit living & only focus on the tragedy. Or I can choose to GET UP! I choose the second one. As hard as it is, this week I have finally accepted what it means to "Be still & know that I am God." It doesn't mean that I will have the answers to the problems of this world. What it does mean is that I can choose to accept that there are things in this life beyond my comprehension. God can work in things even if they weren't in His plan. I will never believe that He planned for Lexi to die, but I do believe that He is carrying our whole family & slowly the pieces of our broken hearts are being put back together. 


The other night I was singing songs with Lindsey & Leland before they went to sleep. When we got done singing Lindsey prayed "Dear God, thank you for mommy, and daddy, and kayla, and lexi in heaven. Help me be a servant. Amen" I was in awe of her young faith! She summed up what it means to be a Christian ... help me be a servant. A servant lives for his/her master. Today I choose to continue living for my Lord. Even though our loss was huge, He is enough! He is bigger then the pain! And someday we will rise with the Lord & all things will be made RIGHT! Until then I will be still & know that He is God. 

Memories

I used to carry you in my arms, 
Now I carry you in my heart.
I loved to fix your hair with bows,
Now all I have to fix is a stone.
I don't know why you left me!
There's so much I don't understand!
What I wouldn't give to hold your hand again.
I miss you more then I could ever explain
The pain is so great I can't even describe!
You were my little miracle, but only for a short time
I prayed the day would never come
I never wanted to say goodbye
But the world keeps spinning & life goes on.
Whether I want to or not I must move on.
You stole my heart & life will never be the same.
Don't you see? There is a part of me that remains with you!
So dance with Jesus until we meet again & hold that piece of me in your pretty little hand.
Someday I will join you & then & only then I will be whole again.
Until then I hold onto precious memories left behind.
For the truth is, love is stronger then death.
Our relationship will never end!
Though time goes by & life goes on you will remain mine!
Forever & always my precious baby girl!

Perception

This week one of my Contact girls was looking through some of my pictures of Lexi. She began asking questions about what happened during her battle with liver failure. She said, "You've handled this better then I would! It's cool that you can talk to me about it and not break down!" I didn't really have a  response for what she said. Her perception of me is so different then my own. All that kept running through my head was "I don't handle this well! I break down all the time! I just refuse to cry in front of anyone! I cry at her grave, in my room, in her room, & in my car...when i'm ALONE!" I don't have some amazing strength that everyone seems to see in me. That is rather other's perception of the situation. 


When Lexi passed away my worst nightmare became my devastating reality. Her death has changed how I view so many things in this life, but especially how I view my relationship with God. I have learned the hard truth that God allows and disallows different things for His purpose. It has absolutely nothing to do with me! There is nothing I can do to change His mind. Giving some miracles while taking others home will never make sense to me, but I TRUST Him. He is the one that was, and is, and is to come, and because of that I can honestly say that even on my worst days I know that He is taking care of Lexi and that He is healing those of us left behind. When I question why a three year old had to die, time and time again He has reminded me that He did not create us to spend a life here, but rather a life in heaven with Him. Death exist simply because we live in a broken world! 


I will never fully get over losing Lexi! There will always be a hole in my heart! Every time I see twins I will wonder why we don't have both. I will always feel like I was cheated out of seeing her grow up. But I will also always know that this is NOT the end! My relationship with Lexi did not end when she took her last breath. I trust that Jesus is preparing a place for me and someday I will join Lexi in our permanent home. One of the most beautiful things God has ever given us is free will. I get to choose how I will perceive the loss of this precious child. I had no control over whether she lived or died, but I can control how it effects me and those around me. From now until He calls me home I am going to choose to accept what happened. I am going to find a way to bring glory to His name because of Lexi's life. God is a God of life, NOT death, and because of this, I rejoice in the life she had here and the life she has now!


2 Corinthians 4:18- For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!


Lex, I'm missing you so much right now! I've cried a lot this week! I even dreamed about you last night, which just upset me more. Dreaming about you is just a tease. I almost feel like I can see you again, but the whole time I know that I am only dreaming. Reality is that I cannot see you on this side of eternity. Landon starts school tomorrow. I can't believe he's old enough to start school! I used to wonder what it would be like when three of you were in school & three of you were at home. Now it just breaks my heart that only two are left at home. I wanted to see you go to school with Lindsey! More then anything I miss seeing you play with her. I miss putting you to bed together. Every time I put her in bed I look at your side of the bed and picture you laying beside her. I can't wait to see you again! I can't wait until we walk in heaven and you tell me everything you've done since you've been there. More then anything I can't wait to hear you say that you love me again. I'd give anything to hear that now! You are still my baby girl! I love you most! 

What's in a Name?

This week I have been on vacation with Lexi's family. We are staying with Donna's sister in Oregon. It has been such a great week as a family! The kids have spent time with cousins, aunts, uncles, & their Grandma. It is wonderful to see them all laughing & having a good time. But I can't help but look around & realize we are short one precious baby girl! When we drove to the airport Saturday afternoon my heart hurt because there should not be room for me in their Suburban. Lexi should be in that car too! 

Last night one of Lexi's cousins had a friend over. His mom was meeting all the kiddos & told Lauren that she had a friend named Lexi who was a lot littler then Lauren. As I watched how Lauren responded to hearing that name my heart sank! I absolutely hate hearing that name! When I hear Lexi my mind is flooded with memories. On good days I am able to remember the times she was well, her laugh, her smile, the little things she said to me, & her precious little voice. Other days are not so great, & I remember the pain of her battle with liver failure. Even still, there are times when I go back to that moment Brian told me she was gone, the hopelessness, the emptiness, the brokenness all comes pouring back & there is a pain so deep inside of me!

As I think about the effect Lexi had on my life, the effect her life still has when I hear her name, I am reminded of another name that changed my life, the name of my precious Lord! Jesus life also changed my life! This past Sunday had been five months since Lexi went to heaven. While I worshipped my Lord my mind was overwhelmed with the sacrifice He made. Because He came & lived a perfect life in a human body, died on the cross, & rose again, I have salvation! I will spend an eternity with my Lord, because a man named Jesus took the nails for me.

On my way back from summer camp with my Contact Kids one of my girl's was looking at a picture Bible. She looked up & said "Miss Kayla, why did Jesus have to die with two other people?" I was able to discuss that Jesus died with thieves, because they were sinners & He was dying for our sins. While discussing Jesus' death, I saw myself in the thieves being crucified with Him. I have been a thief! I have taken things that weren't mine to take. I have walked outside of the will of God. I have followed my own path, rather then the Lord's. And even still He looks at me & says, "Today you will be with me in paradise!" I have no way of knowing when my day will come, but I do know that there is immense power in the name of my Lord & savior Jesus Christ! Praise God that there is power in His name & power in His blood! Someday I will walk with Lexi again. Until then, I hold onto my Father like never before!

I don't want none of that!

So many exciting things have gone on at Contact lately that I have had a hard time deciding what to write about. Working at Contact I have been blessed enough to meet with all kinds of people. One particular situation stands out to me right now. About a month ago... yes I'm behind in updating... we had a mission group from Chickasha working alongside us. We decided that one of our mission projects would be to go downtown & hand out cookies to the homeless. Our hopes for the day were simply to start conversations with people who are generally avoided. We split up into groups. I took Judith O'sborn, Joel Osborn's (better known as Big O) daughter with me.

If you do not know Judith you truly are missing out on a relationship with one of the best ministers I know. This little girl has an incredible ability to get inside people's lives & by doing so, she touches hearts for the Lord. Anyway, we took our bags of cookies to the bus station & sat beside a young lady. I fully expected Judith to be intimidated by the whole situation, but she wasn't at all. As we shared with this lady, she began to tell us that she has been unable to keep a job because she suffers from schizophrenia & had just been diagnosed with hepatitis C. We continued to listen to her story & asked if we could read the word with her. About this time another man sat down with us & started sharing his story. He was in some legal trouble for various reasons.

After sharing the word with these two individuals I asked if I could pray for them. The young lady asked that I pray for the Lord to heal her from Hepatitis C. I will never forget what happened next. The man sitting beside her jumped up & said "Don't touch me! I don't want none of that!" Watching this all take place, my heart broke for the women. I couldn't help but wonder how many times in her life she had heard, "I don't want none of that!" The statement alone took her humanity & her dignity. The man stood on the other side of me. He held my hand as Judith & I held hands with the young woman & went into the presence of our Lord. After we walked off Judith asked me if we could catch Hepatitis C? I told her I wasn't exactly sure what the disease was, but I didn't think we could catch it. At this moment I was so in awe of Judith's young faith! She had no idea what this disease was & yet she still reached her hands out & touched this woman anyway. She had absolutely no concern for herself!


I have not seen the young woman we met at the bus station since that day & more than likely I will never see her again. I will never know whether God brings healing into her life on this earth, but I do know that I saw a glimpse of eternity that day! I saw a small portion of the love of the Father being poured into a woman who had not experienced His love on a regular basis. 


One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the Good Samaritan. I have taught this story several times at Contact from the aspect of what it means to be the person who helps the Samaritan. But on this day, I viewed that story in a whole new way. I wonder what it felt like to be the Samaritan laying injured on the side of the road watching people walk by who wouldn't even give you a second look. What would it feel like to know you are in need of help, know that you would not receive it? The humility must have been beyond unbearable for this poor man! Examining this story countless times, I can honestly say I have been every person in that story. I have been the person in need of help, I have been the person willing to help, and shamefully I have been the person that saw the person in pain & passed them up because I didn't want to touch them. On that day I was forced to face the truth about my own walk. The sad truth is that if there has been even one time in my life that I have devalued someone that was created in the image of God, I have also devalued my Lord. I have been a pew warmer. I have been the Christian that had the answers, but it didn't affect my heart. But today I write this blog with a different set of eyes. I write from a heart that has been broken time & time again by the pain in this world. And I write from the reality that God created each of us to be the hands & feet of His son regardless of who He is asking us to touch. We do not have an option to sit back & allow opportunities to pass any longer! Just like the lady at the Bus Stop, there is someone in your path that needs someone to meet them where they are at. I encourage you to let go of the worldly standards you are held to & simply love like He first loved you. You will be changed, the people you come into contact with will be changed, & ultimately eternity will be changed. Praise God that He chooses to bless us by working in us & through us.

Matthew 10:38-39
And anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so many hard lessons about my relationship with my Lord through Lexi's battle with liver failure & through her death. To be completely honest, I wish I could've learned those lessons another way. But if I have learned nothing else about God from this horrible tragedy, I have learned that HIS grand design in life is not to please me. I was created to glorify Him! If I truly believe that God is who He claims to be, I have one option in this situation... submit to His wisdom. Submitting is not something that comes easy for me. Actually, I HATE submission! I like to be in control of my own life. I want to have the final say in how things are going to take place, but truly walking with the Lord means giving Him the first say, as well as the last. 


While Lexi was sick I remember staying up several nights praying all night long & begging God to move on her behalf. When she first passed away I was so angry that He had told me no! I felt like everything I had ever believed about God was a lie! But as I reflect on what Jesus did on the cross, I am reminded that He too asked the Lord to let this cup pass. God's answer was simply, "No, I cannot allow this cup to pass because I have a bigger purpose." Almost 5 months later I can honestly say that God did act on behalf of Lexi... it just wasn't how I wanted Him to. In the garden of Gethsemane He answered His only son with a No so that some day I could enter into an eternal home with Him. And on February 18, 2010 I was told that God's answer was no. Just like Jesus' cup of agony did not pass, our cup of anguish would not pass either. We were forced to say goodbye. 


Although, I do understand the purpose behind Jesus dying on the cross, I don't understand why Lexi died & I probably never will. What I do understand is that my God is not a God of chance, but rather a God of precise planning. He has a beautiful plan in spite of tragic loss. I believe with everything in me that there will be people who come to know Him simply because of Lexi's life & for that I am eternally grateful! Until I get to see my Lord face to face I am going to choose to submit to His wisdom & accept His plan. I am simply a tool in His hand. I may set a path for my life, but I have to allow Him to direct my steps. From now until He calls me home, I am going to strive to give Him complete control!

My sweet Lexi, do you know that in three years you taught me more about God then I had learned in the 16 before you were born? I think about you every day! I miss seeing you & Linds play together. I miss praying with you & kissing your sweet head. I thank God for you every day! I could never have repaid you for everything you gave me in those short three years. I can't wait to walk with you in Heaven. I love you most Lex!








1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."