I Will Carry You

It has been four months since Lexi passed away. This past week my mind has been flooded by the memories of her battle with liver failure. While she was sick I prayed so many things out of complete desperation! One specific day stands out to me right now. I remember calling Donna to check on Lexi because I was driving back to school at the end of my Christmas break. She informed me that Lexi was getting worse. At this point she had developed a severe infection that was not getting any better & would once again be flown back to St. Louis. When I hung up the phone I began to sob uncontrollably! I remember screaming at God. "Lord heal her! You can fix this! Just snap your fingers & give her a new liver! End our pain! Stop allowing this! Please God help her! I'll do anything! Please!" As I drove my mind was flooded with the possibility of losing Lexi. I didn't want to let myself think about that. Instead, I continued to tell myself that Lexi wasn't mine. I love her with all of my heart & she as well as everyone else in her family had become a precious part of my family, but they have become mine because God placed them in my life for a purpose. I began to quote Psalm 139 to myself, reminding me that God had knit Lexi together & had a specific plan for her. My role in this difficult time was to trust Him to take care of His child. I was beginning to understand that although this precious little girl that I loved with all my heart had a terminal illness, she was also the little girl that God loved with all His heart, a little girl that He had created to spend an eternity with Him.


I was so desperate for a sign that God was going to heal Lexi & allow her to live a normal life that I would read the stories of the miracles He performed in the Bible over & over again. I read of the Father who brings his child to Jesus in Mark 9 & prays "Lord I believe, help me with my disbelief." This is where I truly was! I believed with all of my heart that He would heal Lexi whether it be on this earth or in her permanent home, my struggle was the disbelief I felt. I had a deep desire to control the circumstance! I wanted to make her well! I wanted my plan for her life to be God's plan. When we received her liver I was convinced that God was finally answering our prayers for healing. This horrific battle would soon be over & I would enjoy watching Lexi grow up into a Christian woman. A week after she received her transplant my hopes & dreams were shattered! I have never been so crushed in spirit as I was when I received the phone call that my precious baby girl had gone to heaven. All the words left my body & I fell to the ground & sobbed! So many things were going through my mind. I remember feeling as though I was having a nightmare. I kept telling myself "This can't be real! Wake up! This isn't happening! She got her liver!" As the next several days went on & I came home to be with her family the reality that I will never hold Lexis again on this earth became evident. Everything I had ever dreamed of for Lexi had been shattered!

Since losing Lexi so many people have commented on the strength they have seen in all of us, but to be honest four months later my emotions have not changed much! I have spent this entire time trying to convince everyone around me that I am okay with this tragedy, because I love the Lord. I've always viewed ministers as the people who always have it together & I felt like I had to live up to such a standard. I had to keep it together in the midst of tragedy. I've spent the last week at summer camp with my Contact kids. As always in ministry, your faith gets tested. A set of 7 year old twin girls went to camp with us. One of the twins wears glasses & the other doesn't, like Lexi & Lindsey. They also have blonde hair. One of the twins was in my cabin. I had met these girls a year ago & told them that our family had a set of identical twin girls too. Not knowing any different, Hailey, asked me how our twins were. Before I could answer one of my other 7 year olds, Cathleen, said "Lexi passed away this year. She had a bad liver." Then she turned to me and said, "Miss Kayla, you aren't so sad anymore! God is making you better! I remember when you cried while you prayed in front of the Church before Lexi's funeral." My response was, "I'm sorry you had to see that Cathleen." She went on to say, "You had to cry! I remember when you prayed you said you wanted to praise God even though Lexi died." 


For the first time since Lexi passed away I have come to the realization that it is in my brokenness that God's glory shines! And because of that I can be real about my pain! The reality is that I do not have it together at all! I miss Lexi so much! My heart aches about the things I will never see her do! Every time I put Lindsey to bed I can't help but look at the left side of her bed & realize that Lexi should be laying there beside her. But I serve a God who has never allowed me to walk on my own! He has always carried me through the things I cannot do on my own & once again He is right here saying "Kayla, I will carry you!" Even though it will always be hard to look at Lexi's side of the bed & see it empty, the empty space she left in their bed reminds me of an empty tomb that was left by my Lord. There was a day when God gave up His child to die upon a cross & three days later a tomb was found empty. Because of that empty tomb someday I will hold Lexi again! When I put Lindsey to bed the other night she said, "Lexi's in heaven! She not want to come home cause she loves heaven!" I started to cry & Linds said, "Kayla, not cry! Your body will wear out too & you can be with Lexi in heaven." In the past week I have thought so much about the words Lindsey told me that night. She is right! Lexi doesn't want to come home! She was not created to spend a life here, but rather to spend a life in Heaven with her Father. Until I get to join Lexi in my heavenly home I will strive to trust God to carry me through this loss. He will carry me through the pain, the questions why, the longing for what used to be, & the desire to change our circumstances! He is my rock & my salvation. In Him my heart is fulfilled!

Psalm 73:23 "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, & afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh & heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever."

Let God Brag On You

Wow! What an amazing week at Contact! There has been so much going on that I haven't even had time to blog lately. The kids get out of school June 2nd, so we are busy planning our summer camps, activities, small groups, & various house studies. God is blessing the work at Contact tremendously! 

Our staff was blessed by an opportunity to have lunch with Park Plaza's staff, as well as a few others, including a group from Little Rock Arkansas & the McMillon family from the Memorial Road Church of Christ. I was so encouraged by the excitement everyone brought to our Church! I was blessed to grow up at Park Plaza with many examples of how to do ministry. Park Plaza has supported me every time I step out into the mission field regardless of where it is. I could never thank them enough for gambling on me & trusting that God would be at work in spite of my faults.

After our staff meeting I had a small group Bible study with one of my girls. We are reading the book "A Search for Significance." I have been so inspired by the depth of insight that our girls have into a relationship with God. They truly do convict me & teach me new lessons every day. Today I was studying with one of my fourteen year old girls. Ron talks a lot to people about how our kids walk around with boxing gloves. They are so hard-hearted & always ready to fight simply because they have seen things in this life that we could never even imagine. This fourteen year old has the biggest gloves i've ever seen! She can't admit that there are things in her life that hurt her so instead she emotionally shuts down & becomes bitter & angry! We talked today about how being who God wants us to be requires not being angry, but instead expressing our emotions in a healthy way. I asked her what she hates the most about her life. She replied, "Kayla, I don't even have a bed to sleep in at night! I sleep on the floor with a sheet! I hate it!" I can't imagine how difficult it must be to not even know where you are going to sleep at night. It has to be so painful to have no stability whatsoever.

As the night went on we discussed who God is calling us to be & how to get closer to Him. I asked her to pray over us. She prayed "Lord, help us to reach out to hurting hearts & help us to stop looking for people to brag on us! We want to let you brag on us!" What a beautiful reminder that we are not to be of this world, but simply in this world. Too often we make stupid decisions because we are looking for the approval of those around us, rather then our Lord. From this day forward my prayer will be that God teaches us to allow Him to brag on us & that we will not search for anyone's approval but His. Her prayer convicted me to the core! There have been so many times in the last year that I have asked myself if I am really accomplishing anything with this young woman? But days like today remind me that life isn't a snapshot. I cannot decide that one failure gives me the right to walk away. God starts over with me daily & I have to start over with my kids. He is doing amazing work in the life of this young woman. Boxing gloves & all, the ability to love him & love others is still in her. She has an ability to lead that far exceeds any ability i've ever dreamed of having. These mountains of success are such a recognition that He is at work in every opportunity He gives us. It is such a blessing to watch as He changes hearts & allows us to have relationships with hurting people.

Today I was asked why I love my job so much. There are so many things I love about Contact. There is not enough room in any blog to fully describe the way my life has been changed forever through working at Contact. However, what I love about Contact the most is that I am given the opportunity to love the kids where they are at, not where I want them to be. Most often when I begin working with the kids I want more for their lives then they want for their own. As time goes on I am able to watch as their plans for their lives become His plans & because they are His plans they begin to want something better. It truly is life changing!

Thank you again for all your love & support! I appreciate so much everyone's interest in what God is doing at Contact! It is an exciting time in the ministry He is doing here. We are a blessed staff & a blessed congregation! 

"If you do good people will accuse you of having selfish ulterior motives...DO GOOD ANYWAY!"

Ephesians 1:11-12 "It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone."

Rules & Regulations Or Real Relationships?

Although there are several things that I want in my Christian walk, what I desire more then anything is to have a personal relationship with God. In the last year, more then ever before, I have learned that sometimes having a personal relationship with God is messy. It is not always as clean cut as I feel like it should be. Even though I do believe that we are given rules & regulations to follow in having a relationship with God, I no longer believe that He wants me to be "correct" in how I handle my relationship with Him, but He wants me to be genuine. 


Like any other relationship in my life, my relationship with God is like a roller coaster. There are days when I can feel his presence encompass me & I am completely fulfilled by him. On the other hand there are days when I find myself so wrapped up in sin that I can't even begin to see past where I find myself on that given day. Still yet, there are days when all I can see is the tragedy that encompassed our lives when our little Lexi passed away. Based on these three different phases of spirituality in my own walk I have been able to see that God always meets me where I am at. When I am angry He is there to listen. When I am broken He is there to heal. When I sin He is there to cleanse me. When I am at my highest point He is there encouraging me to dig deeper. All He asks is that I be honest with Him where ever I find myself. God wants a genuine, heartfelt, every day relationship, even if at times that involves being passionately honest when for one reason or another I am not where I should be spiritually.


The more I work at Contact, the more I am able to see myself in the individuals that I work with. As a minister I have been called to be the hands & feet of Jesus Christ to the children He has entrusted me to lead. Because of this I want to have a real relationship with each person I work with. I want to be able to meet them where they are at, whether it be in the midst of sin or on a mountaintop of spiritual growth. I want them to be able to openly share their heart with me & know that I will love them regardless of where they find themselves. I strive to walk into Contact every day with the realization that I am a sinner that falls short of God's expectations daily & because of this I need to deal with my own lack of commitment before I judge the people I work with. 


Although there are times when the kids do things that I do not & cannot condone, I believe wholeheartedly that God is at work in their lives even in their shortcomings. God made rules & regulations for our own protection. There are natural consequences to our sin that we will encounter accordingly, but His love for His child remains the same. He has never turned His back on me & I will not turn my back on these kids! He is still at work when a girl must deal with a teen pregnancy, when the kids end up in jail for one reason or another, & still when they are disrespectful & lash out on me. I have to be open to allowing Him to work in me & through me regardless of circumstance. I am blown away by His ability to teach me through His children even in the midst of sin. I am blessed immensely by my job at Contact & could not ask for anything more! I love stepping back & watching as He counsels others & changes them into who He desires for them to be. 

Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the plank our of your own eye & then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

A Purpose Driven Life

Today I began another internship at Contact. Ministry always has a way of humbling me & causing me to view things through my Lord's eyes rather then my own. Last summer when I began interning never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Contact would be some where I would pursue doing ministry long term. I am such a planner. I plan everything! But often I am guilty of living out my own plan for my life rather then my Lord's. I had been involved in missions in Honduras for a few years & truly believed that God was calling me to mission there full time. I even told Ron, one of the ministers that I work with, when I began my internship that I was heading to O.C. in the fall to pursue degrees in ministry & secondary education, & that following graduation I would move to Honduras. God used last summer to completely change my life. He broke my heart with the work He allowed me to be involved in. He grew me & changed me into a completely different person. He opened my eyes & more importantly my heart so that I could see that ministry truly is everywhere! I was guilty of overlooking the plan that He had for me right here in Tulsa. 


I would never demean foreign mission. I love the work that is being done in Honduras. It is such an amazing experience! I developed many lifelong friendships with the Hondurans that I am eternally grateful for & will continue to pray for them, as well as the missionaries that work so hard daily! When Jesus gave the great commission He clearly calls us to go into all the world. Unfortunately, I often forget that sometimes He is calling me across town, across the street, or even across the room. His plan for our lives as Christians is not to simply go on a mission trip, although they are beneficial for both the kingdom & my own spirituality, the trip is not my only purpose. He wants my heart 100% of the time! He wants me to be willing to step up & speak out for His glory where ever I am. Ministry is not about being comfortable, but about being useful! We were each created to worship Him. 


He has blessed me so much by allowing me to be a part of the ministry at Contact. I know without a doubt that working with the children at Contact is the purpose He has given me. He pours out spiritual gifts on His people & we can choose whether to use them or waste them. As I begin working at Contact full-time again I am striving to live a purpose driven life every day. I want to be exactly who He created me to be! I want my every breath to worship my Father & in doing so bless the people that He has been gracious enough to put in my life. He has blessed me with incredibly amazing children that I get to work with every day & I want to equally bless them. This summer I am going to do everything in my power to help these kids find their gifts & where they can benefit the church the most. I believe we all hit a point in our lives when we feel like our life has no purpose. My main goal this summer is to help these kids find His purpose for their lives. I want each of them to live up to their full potential. I am absolutely ecstatic about what God will do at Contact this summer! I love watching Him move mountains in the lives of His people & look forward to helping the kids find who they are in Him.


I would like to say thank you to everyone who is supporting me & making another summer at Contact possible. Please continue to keep the team & our whole church in your prayers as we strive to live purpose driven lives for the Lord.


"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Therefore ask the God of the harvest to send out workers into the field." Matthew 9:37

A Woman Of Strength

I have been so blessed throughout my life with incredible examples of Christian women, but the person who influenced me the most was my Grammy. My Grammy was a woman of true strength, because she did not find strength in herself, rather she found her strength in her Father. She loved deeply, compassionately and without fear! She never missed an opportunity to share the word with someone else. My Grammy was a person that always put God first in everything that she did. She went out of her way to make sure that we each felt important every day. She was not only my faith giant, but she was also my best friend. Although, I am a Bible major at Oklahoma Christian, no one will ever be able to teach me more about ministry then she did simply by how she lived her life.


On February 9, 2007 I was told that my Grammy had inoperable and incurable brain cancer. At best she had twelve months to live. At the time she was only 55 years old. My spirit was utterly crushed! All that kept running through my mind that night was I can't live without her! This can't be happening! I didn't go to the hospital that night, because I wanted to somehow pull it together before she saw me. As soon as I saw her I started bawling. I curled up in her bed & laid my head on her chest & just sobbed. I will never forget what she said that day..."kk, promise me something! Promise me win or lose you will get up & you will praise Him!" 


Throughout the next two months I watched her suffer an unbelievable painful death! Once we were told she was dying she never got out of bed again. She lost her ability to walk, and talk, she couldn't even lift her own hands. Watching her die every day was so miserable, but the promise I had made to her was always in the back of my mind...I will praise Him win or lose... regardless of circumstance. After watching her hurt for so long I honestly began to pray that the Lord would just take her home! I couldn't take watching her hurt anymore! The day I told her goodbye I told her that she didn't need to fight for me anymore! I didn't want her to leave me, but somehow, someway, I would be okay, simply because she had taught me how to get through unbearable trials! She had taught me to find my peace in the Lord and to give him my struggles. I would often sing to her, because I didn't know what to say. That day I sang the song "It is well with my soul." As I sang tears poured down my cheeks. I knew the value of what I was saying. I was surrendering my pain and heartache to the Lord so that I could praise Him in the midst of the most painful storm I had ever encountered.


Three years later the pain is the same! So much has happened in the past three years that I wish more then anything she had been a part of. I graduated high school, started dating, started college, and buried my precious little Lexi. I once again find myself in a storm that I cannot begin to see my way through, but this time I find myself in this place alone! Up until now my Grammy has carried me through my struggles by gently and passionately reminding me who I belong to and where I am going. This time, I must face the destruction on my own. She can't do this for me! But even though she can't do this for me, she taught me how to do this on my own. In her short life she taught me how to give all that I have to my Father and allow Him to carry me through this. She taught me how to live my life for Him, she taught me how to die for Him, and she taught me how to climb down in the trenches and walk through peoples' struggles with them. I will never forget the legacy she left and the advice she gave me throughout my life. I was given all the tools that I need to face anything that comes my way through her example! When I was a little girl she would sing the song "Make me a servant" to me. The older I got the more I began to pray that God would do whatever it took to change me into the woman He wanted me to be. I never knew how painful that prayer could possibly be! With growth comes pain! Sometimes almost unbearable pain, but I know that to overcome these trials I must surrender my burdens to the Lord. I have to give Him my pain & once again allow Him to heal my broken heart.


The Easter before my Grammy died she gave me a ring. A ring that I wear every day. It says with love and was originally for me to take with me when I went into the mission field in Honduras. Now, I am doing local mission in the inner city parts of Tulsa. Every time I look at my ring I remember to take her with me. I take with me her love for the Lord, her love for others, and her focus on eternity. Until I am able to meet her at the gates of Heaven I will continue to fight to leave a legacy that changed eternity. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is! Tomorrow has been three years since we said goodbye. Although it is not any easier, I have a promise that I will see her again. Faith is the substance of things hoped for & the evidence of this unseen.


"In hard times you do not get to quit ministry! It is in the midst of the hard times that you push ministry into overdrive!" - Grammy; Theresa Kennedy


"Make me a servant. Lord make me like you. For you are a servant. Make me one too. Make me a servant. Do what you must do. To make me a servant make me like you"


1 Corinthians 4:18 "For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!"

Out of the Ashes

I do not really even know how to start this blog. My faith has changed so dramatically in the last eight months of my life, but specifically in the last two months. Burying Lexis was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. I have questioned God more then I ever have before! Some days all I can see is the pain. I have been frustrated, angry, confused, and completely heartbroken. But as I look around at the ashes, the destruction, the broken remains of our lives, I realize more then ever before that God is at work even in the midst of an unbearable tragedy.


When we were told that Lexi would need a liver transplant I was convinced that we had hit rock bottom, but when she took her last breath the bottom gave way. Now we are in an unbearable pit! Finding myself in a pit I cannot even begin to climb out of on my own I have had to learn to cling to the Lord like never before and lean not on my own understanding. Because of this I have began to view God in a whole new way. About a week ago I was bawling my eyes out about how much I miss my precious baby girl and asking the Lord to comfort me. The story of Job came to mind and I began to view that story in a whole new way...


Growing up in the church, I have often clung to what a favorite teacher of mine calls "bumper sticker theology." When life would get hard I would try to hold onto little sayings like "When God takes something from your grasp He is not punishing you, but simply opening your hands to receive something better." I no longer buy into that line... not even a little. God uses all things for the good of those who love Him, but He does not always give you something better. All my life I have read the story of Job and thought "wow! Job is so faithful & because he is faithful God gives him everything he lost plus some." But that is not entirely true. Job lost his children & God does not return them. There is no greater pain then burying a child. Therefore Job didn't receive anything better, in face he was left with a lot less. Even so, he gets up & praises the Lord for His faithfulness. Maybe the lessons we are supposed to take from Job are not that God merely desires to bless us when we go through trials, but rather....
            
  1.) It's okay to question God. Just be prepared to fall on your face when He answers you.


  2.) The Faith Trials we face are NOT about us at all, but rather about God & what He can accomplish     through that trial.


Does that make God any less good or any less powerful? Absolutely not! But it does make Him in absolute control. As Christians we are selling each other the wrong answers to the problems & that is why it is so easy to blame God when bad things happen. I often convince myself that if I pray hard enough I am going to change God's mind, but my prayers will never change His mind; they will change mine. God is not a genie and prayer is not my way of rubbing the magic bottle and being granted my wish. Where did I get so messed up that I really believed the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow should change His mind based on my human mind? I do not understand His ways! Therefore I cannot make the decisions concerning the future.


I have been taught to be ok with going through the crap, because God is going to bless me for it. But that is where I screw it up. When did my relationship with Him become about me? My relationship with Him should not be about how He is going to bless me. He gives & takes away because He is God...He is in complete control. I cannot even take a breath without Him giving it to me & yet I wanta tell Him how to do it? That is insane! He allows us to face trials because it brings Him glory. He never promises to replace something He has taken away. He simply promises that I have an eternal home with Him where there is no more pain & no more loss. Until then, I will experience trials of many kinds for His glory....not so that He can reward me & replace what I lost. We were made to worship Him! His grand design is not to give me everything I want, but rather for me to glorify Him with my life until I get to be in my permanent home with my Father for an eternity.


Tonight once again I am going to choose to give Him my pain & heartache & allow Him to heal. I will choose to lean on His understanding rather then my own until I hold my precious baby girl again.

Where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never left her side. Only you know everything that happened in that final moment. Only you know what you whispered to her heart. Only you know how thankful I will always be that you gave me Lexi, even if on this side of eternity it seems too short. Thank you for your faithfulness & holding  your child in the midst of an unbelievably painful storm! 

~Heaven is the face of my little girl~

What an amazing weekend! I was able to spend the entire weekend with the kids while Donna & Bri went out of town. We had so much fun! We went to the park three times, caught fish, played a countless amount of games, prayed together, & they even got to go to Church with me today. Logan was so helpful...he always is. He even wanted to make lunch for the kids yesterday (mac 'n cheese). He gives the best hugs & always knows when I need them the most. Leland is so full of energy! His little grin makes me so happy. I love playing with him. Landon slept in bed with me both nights... He's always been my cuddle bug! I absolutely love cuddling the kids more then I ever have before. I lay with each of them until they fall asleep at night. God blessed me so much when He allowed me to become a part of the Alt family. The kids truly are amazing! They continue to amaze me with their insight & love for the Lord in the midst of tragedy.

The kids all struggle in different ways, but Lauren & Lindsey seem to struggle the most. Lauren keeps asking me about things we did when the twins were born. I'm glad she remembers so many details about the time i've spent with them, but it's hard to hear her talk about the things I used to say & do with Lexi. She misses her so much! Yesterday we were sitting in the living room & she burst into tears. I asked her what was wrong & she told me she just missed Lexi. I just held her & cried with her. All I could say was that I miss her too! There is no such thing as words of wisdom in a situation like this. Sometimes the only thing I can do is cry, pray, & scream! Our life is divided into two parts now: before Lexi got sick & after. I hate the second part! I wish it was all just a terrible nightmare! I hate reality! I want so badly to have the good times back :'(. It's not fair! 

Lindsey breaks my heart when she talks about Lex. She tells me every time I see her that Lexi is in heaven & she can't come home anymore. She cries at night when I put her to bed & tells me she misses sleeping with Lexi. When I took the kids to the park yesterday Lindsey was talking & I couldn't understand her. I asked her what she was saying. She said "Kayla, I not talking to you! I talking to Lexi." It's precious that she still talks to her twin. I've always told the twins they were my baby girls & yesterday that was all Lindsey could talk about. She kept saying "I kayla's baby girl." Last night she said, "Kayla, I your baby girl." I said, "Yes miss Lindsey & you will always be my baby!" She put her hand on my heart & she said "Lexi's in your heart Kayla. She's still your baby girl too!" It made me cry :(. The last time I ever saw Lexi she told me she would always be my baby girl & those words couldn't be any more true! As much as it makes me cry i'm so grateful that Lindsey has some insight & understanding of what's happened. She told me last night that she will sleep with Lexi again when she goes to heaven & that I will be in heaven with them. I long for that day! I can't wait to hold both of my girls again.

My relationship with the Lord is so authentic right now. Watching Lexi fight for her life rocked me to my core! My faith has never been so shaken. It is times like this that faith becomes genuine. I have to trust Him even when I don't understand and everything about life no longer makes sense. I have to remind myself every day that my ways are not His ways. I know without a doubt in my mind that He never left Lex, not even for a second. He did fight for her... just not the way I wanted Him to. Heaven means so many things to me on so many levels right now. I ask God every day to tell Lexi that i'm sending her hugs & kisses & that part of my heart is in heaven with her & the other part of it is still here with the rest of my family. Lindsey has a cut on her foot & it started bleeding last night. I had to put a band-aid on it & kiss it to make it better. Lauren told Lindsey, "Ask Jesus to make it feel better Lindsey. He will give you a scab so you don't bleed too much. He makes everything better." This seven year old little girl teaches me so much about the Lord. After I put the kids to bed I spent some time praying for each of them. I was able to thank God that no matter how deep the cut is or how much he allows us to bleed that He will give us the scab to begin healing. This will never be okay! We will never ever get past losing Lexi. It will always hurt, but He will provide scabs & help us to live life to the full through Him. Until then I will hold on to heaven like never before. Heaven truly is the face of my precious baby girl! I cannot wait until I see her face & she takes my hand & leads me to my Father....just like she did so many times while she was here.

I love you Lex! I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you now & read you a book before bed. I wish I could dress you & fix your hair with bows & tell you how beautiful you are. I'm glad your with Jesus. I'm glad you feel better. I know He kisses you every day for me. Lindsey is right...you are in my heart & you always will be! Thank you for being the most amazing little girl ever! You are now & forever my precious baby girl :)

1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who calls you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, & steadfast."