What's in a Name?

This week I have been on vacation with Lexi's family. We are staying with Donna's sister in Oregon. It has been such a great week as a family! The kids have spent time with cousins, aunts, uncles, & their Grandma. It is wonderful to see them all laughing & having a good time. But I can't help but look around & realize we are short one precious baby girl! When we drove to the airport Saturday afternoon my heart hurt because there should not be room for me in their Suburban. Lexi should be in that car too! 

Last night one of Lexi's cousins had a friend over. His mom was meeting all the kiddos & told Lauren that she had a friend named Lexi who was a lot littler then Lauren. As I watched how Lauren responded to hearing that name my heart sank! I absolutely hate hearing that name! When I hear Lexi my mind is flooded with memories. On good days I am able to remember the times she was well, her laugh, her smile, the little things she said to me, & her precious little voice. Other days are not so great, & I remember the pain of her battle with liver failure. Even still, there are times when I go back to that moment Brian told me she was gone, the hopelessness, the emptiness, the brokenness all comes pouring back & there is a pain so deep inside of me!

As I think about the effect Lexi had on my life, the effect her life still has when I hear her name, I am reminded of another name that changed my life, the name of my precious Lord! Jesus life also changed my life! This past Sunday had been five months since Lexi went to heaven. While I worshipped my Lord my mind was overwhelmed with the sacrifice He made. Because He came & lived a perfect life in a human body, died on the cross, & rose again, I have salvation! I will spend an eternity with my Lord, because a man named Jesus took the nails for me.

On my way back from summer camp with my Contact Kids one of my girl's was looking at a picture Bible. She looked up & said "Miss Kayla, why did Jesus have to die with two other people?" I was able to discuss that Jesus died with thieves, because they were sinners & He was dying for our sins. While discussing Jesus' death, I saw myself in the thieves being crucified with Him. I have been a thief! I have taken things that weren't mine to take. I have walked outside of the will of God. I have followed my own path, rather then the Lord's. And even still He looks at me & says, "Today you will be with me in paradise!" I have no way of knowing when my day will come, but I do know that there is immense power in the name of my Lord & savior Jesus Christ! Praise God that there is power in His name & power in His blood! Someday I will walk with Lexi again. Until then, I hold onto my Father like never before!

I don't want none of that!

So many exciting things have gone on at Contact lately that I have had a hard time deciding what to write about. Working at Contact I have been blessed enough to meet with all kinds of people. One particular situation stands out to me right now. About a month ago... yes I'm behind in updating... we had a mission group from Chickasha working alongside us. We decided that one of our mission projects would be to go downtown & hand out cookies to the homeless. Our hopes for the day were simply to start conversations with people who are generally avoided. We split up into groups. I took Judith O'sborn, Joel Osborn's (better known as Big O) daughter with me.

If you do not know Judith you truly are missing out on a relationship with one of the best ministers I know. This little girl has an incredible ability to get inside people's lives & by doing so, she touches hearts for the Lord. Anyway, we took our bags of cookies to the bus station & sat beside a young lady. I fully expected Judith to be intimidated by the whole situation, but she wasn't at all. As we shared with this lady, she began to tell us that she has been unable to keep a job because she suffers from schizophrenia & had just been diagnosed with hepatitis C. We continued to listen to her story & asked if we could read the word with her. About this time another man sat down with us & started sharing his story. He was in some legal trouble for various reasons.

After sharing the word with these two individuals I asked if I could pray for them. The young lady asked that I pray for the Lord to heal her from Hepatitis C. I will never forget what happened next. The man sitting beside her jumped up & said "Don't touch me! I don't want none of that!" Watching this all take place, my heart broke for the women. I couldn't help but wonder how many times in her life she had heard, "I don't want none of that!" The statement alone took her humanity & her dignity. The man stood on the other side of me. He held my hand as Judith & I held hands with the young woman & went into the presence of our Lord. After we walked off Judith asked me if we could catch Hepatitis C? I told her I wasn't exactly sure what the disease was, but I didn't think we could catch it. At this moment I was so in awe of Judith's young faith! She had no idea what this disease was & yet she still reached her hands out & touched this woman anyway. She had absolutely no concern for herself!


I have not seen the young woman we met at the bus station since that day & more than likely I will never see her again. I will never know whether God brings healing into her life on this earth, but I do know that I saw a glimpse of eternity that day! I saw a small portion of the love of the Father being poured into a woman who had not experienced His love on a regular basis. 


One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the Good Samaritan. I have taught this story several times at Contact from the aspect of what it means to be the person who helps the Samaritan. But on this day, I viewed that story in a whole new way. I wonder what it felt like to be the Samaritan laying injured on the side of the road watching people walk by who wouldn't even give you a second look. What would it feel like to know you are in need of help, know that you would not receive it? The humility must have been beyond unbearable for this poor man! Examining this story countless times, I can honestly say I have been every person in that story. I have been the person in need of help, I have been the person willing to help, and shamefully I have been the person that saw the person in pain & passed them up because I didn't want to touch them. On that day I was forced to face the truth about my own walk. The sad truth is that if there has been even one time in my life that I have devalued someone that was created in the image of God, I have also devalued my Lord. I have been a pew warmer. I have been the Christian that had the answers, but it didn't affect my heart. But today I write this blog with a different set of eyes. I write from a heart that has been broken time & time again by the pain in this world. And I write from the reality that God created each of us to be the hands & feet of His son regardless of who He is asking us to touch. We do not have an option to sit back & allow opportunities to pass any longer! Just like the lady at the Bus Stop, there is someone in your path that needs someone to meet them where they are at. I encourage you to let go of the worldly standards you are held to & simply love like He first loved you. You will be changed, the people you come into contact with will be changed, & ultimately eternity will be changed. Praise God that He chooses to bless us by working in us & through us.

Matthew 10:38-39
And anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so many hard lessons about my relationship with my Lord through Lexi's battle with liver failure & through her death. To be completely honest, I wish I could've learned those lessons another way. But if I have learned nothing else about God from this horrible tragedy, I have learned that HIS grand design in life is not to please me. I was created to glorify Him! If I truly believe that God is who He claims to be, I have one option in this situation... submit to His wisdom. Submitting is not something that comes easy for me. Actually, I HATE submission! I like to be in control of my own life. I want to have the final say in how things are going to take place, but truly walking with the Lord means giving Him the first say, as well as the last. 


While Lexi was sick I remember staying up several nights praying all night long & begging God to move on her behalf. When she first passed away I was so angry that He had told me no! I felt like everything I had ever believed about God was a lie! But as I reflect on what Jesus did on the cross, I am reminded that He too asked the Lord to let this cup pass. God's answer was simply, "No, I cannot allow this cup to pass because I have a bigger purpose." Almost 5 months later I can honestly say that God did act on behalf of Lexi... it just wasn't how I wanted Him to. In the garden of Gethsemane He answered His only son with a No so that some day I could enter into an eternal home with Him. And on February 18, 2010 I was told that God's answer was no. Just like Jesus' cup of agony did not pass, our cup of anguish would not pass either. We were forced to say goodbye. 


Although, I do understand the purpose behind Jesus dying on the cross, I don't understand why Lexi died & I probably never will. What I do understand is that my God is not a God of chance, but rather a God of precise planning. He has a beautiful plan in spite of tragic loss. I believe with everything in me that there will be people who come to know Him simply because of Lexi's life & for that I am eternally grateful! Until I get to see my Lord face to face I am going to choose to submit to His wisdom & accept His plan. I am simply a tool in His hand. I may set a path for my life, but I have to allow Him to direct my steps. From now until He calls me home, I am going to strive to give Him complete control!

My sweet Lexi, do you know that in three years you taught me more about God then I had learned in the 16 before you were born? I think about you every day! I miss seeing you & Linds play together. I miss praying with you & kissing your sweet head. I thank God for you every day! I could never have repaid you for everything you gave me in those short three years. I can't wait to walk with you in Heaven. I love you most Lex!








1 Peter 5:6-7
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

I Will Carry You

It has been four months since Lexi passed away. This past week my mind has been flooded by the memories of her battle with liver failure. While she was sick I prayed so many things out of complete desperation! One specific day stands out to me right now. I remember calling Donna to check on Lexi because I was driving back to school at the end of my Christmas break. She informed me that Lexi was getting worse. At this point she had developed a severe infection that was not getting any better & would once again be flown back to St. Louis. When I hung up the phone I began to sob uncontrollably! I remember screaming at God. "Lord heal her! You can fix this! Just snap your fingers & give her a new liver! End our pain! Stop allowing this! Please God help her! I'll do anything! Please!" As I drove my mind was flooded with the possibility of losing Lexi. I didn't want to let myself think about that. Instead, I continued to tell myself that Lexi wasn't mine. I love her with all of my heart & she as well as everyone else in her family had become a precious part of my family, but they have become mine because God placed them in my life for a purpose. I began to quote Psalm 139 to myself, reminding me that God had knit Lexi together & had a specific plan for her. My role in this difficult time was to trust Him to take care of His child. I was beginning to understand that although this precious little girl that I loved with all my heart had a terminal illness, she was also the little girl that God loved with all His heart, a little girl that He had created to spend an eternity with Him.


I was so desperate for a sign that God was going to heal Lexi & allow her to live a normal life that I would read the stories of the miracles He performed in the Bible over & over again. I read of the Father who brings his child to Jesus in Mark 9 & prays "Lord I believe, help me with my disbelief." This is where I truly was! I believed with all of my heart that He would heal Lexi whether it be on this earth or in her permanent home, my struggle was the disbelief I felt. I had a deep desire to control the circumstance! I wanted to make her well! I wanted my plan for her life to be God's plan. When we received her liver I was convinced that God was finally answering our prayers for healing. This horrific battle would soon be over & I would enjoy watching Lexi grow up into a Christian woman. A week after she received her transplant my hopes & dreams were shattered! I have never been so crushed in spirit as I was when I received the phone call that my precious baby girl had gone to heaven. All the words left my body & I fell to the ground & sobbed! So many things were going through my mind. I remember feeling as though I was having a nightmare. I kept telling myself "This can't be real! Wake up! This isn't happening! She got her liver!" As the next several days went on & I came home to be with her family the reality that I will never hold Lexis again on this earth became evident. Everything I had ever dreamed of for Lexi had been shattered!

Since losing Lexi so many people have commented on the strength they have seen in all of us, but to be honest four months later my emotions have not changed much! I have spent this entire time trying to convince everyone around me that I am okay with this tragedy, because I love the Lord. I've always viewed ministers as the people who always have it together & I felt like I had to live up to such a standard. I had to keep it together in the midst of tragedy. I've spent the last week at summer camp with my Contact kids. As always in ministry, your faith gets tested. A set of 7 year old twin girls went to camp with us. One of the twins wears glasses & the other doesn't, like Lexi & Lindsey. They also have blonde hair. One of the twins was in my cabin. I had met these girls a year ago & told them that our family had a set of identical twin girls too. Not knowing any different, Hailey, asked me how our twins were. Before I could answer one of my other 7 year olds, Cathleen, said "Lexi passed away this year. She had a bad liver." Then she turned to me and said, "Miss Kayla, you aren't so sad anymore! God is making you better! I remember when you cried while you prayed in front of the Church before Lexi's funeral." My response was, "I'm sorry you had to see that Cathleen." She went on to say, "You had to cry! I remember when you prayed you said you wanted to praise God even though Lexi died." 


For the first time since Lexi passed away I have come to the realization that it is in my brokenness that God's glory shines! And because of that I can be real about my pain! The reality is that I do not have it together at all! I miss Lexi so much! My heart aches about the things I will never see her do! Every time I put Lindsey to bed I can't help but look at the left side of her bed & realize that Lexi should be laying there beside her. But I serve a God who has never allowed me to walk on my own! He has always carried me through the things I cannot do on my own & once again He is right here saying "Kayla, I will carry you!" Even though it will always be hard to look at Lexi's side of the bed & see it empty, the empty space she left in their bed reminds me of an empty tomb that was left by my Lord. There was a day when God gave up His child to die upon a cross & three days later a tomb was found empty. Because of that empty tomb someday I will hold Lexi again! When I put Lindsey to bed the other night she said, "Lexi's in heaven! She not want to come home cause she loves heaven!" I started to cry & Linds said, "Kayla, not cry! Your body will wear out too & you can be with Lexi in heaven." In the past week I have thought so much about the words Lindsey told me that night. She is right! Lexi doesn't want to come home! She was not created to spend a life here, but rather to spend a life in Heaven with her Father. Until I get to join Lexi in my heavenly home I will strive to trust God to carry me through this loss. He will carry me through the pain, the questions why, the longing for what used to be, & the desire to change our circumstances! He is my rock & my salvation. In Him my heart is fulfilled!

Psalm 73:23 "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, & afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh & heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever."

Let God Brag On You

Wow! What an amazing week at Contact! There has been so much going on that I haven't even had time to blog lately. The kids get out of school June 2nd, so we are busy planning our summer camps, activities, small groups, & various house studies. God is blessing the work at Contact tremendously! 

Our staff was blessed by an opportunity to have lunch with Park Plaza's staff, as well as a few others, including a group from Little Rock Arkansas & the McMillon family from the Memorial Road Church of Christ. I was so encouraged by the excitement everyone brought to our Church! I was blessed to grow up at Park Plaza with many examples of how to do ministry. Park Plaza has supported me every time I step out into the mission field regardless of where it is. I could never thank them enough for gambling on me & trusting that God would be at work in spite of my faults.

After our staff meeting I had a small group Bible study with one of my girls. We are reading the book "A Search for Significance." I have been so inspired by the depth of insight that our girls have into a relationship with God. They truly do convict me & teach me new lessons every day. Today I was studying with one of my fourteen year old girls. Ron talks a lot to people about how our kids walk around with boxing gloves. They are so hard-hearted & always ready to fight simply because they have seen things in this life that we could never even imagine. This fourteen year old has the biggest gloves i've ever seen! She can't admit that there are things in her life that hurt her so instead she emotionally shuts down & becomes bitter & angry! We talked today about how being who God wants us to be requires not being angry, but instead expressing our emotions in a healthy way. I asked her what she hates the most about her life. She replied, "Kayla, I don't even have a bed to sleep in at night! I sleep on the floor with a sheet! I hate it!" I can't imagine how difficult it must be to not even know where you are going to sleep at night. It has to be so painful to have no stability whatsoever.

As the night went on we discussed who God is calling us to be & how to get closer to Him. I asked her to pray over us. She prayed "Lord, help us to reach out to hurting hearts & help us to stop looking for people to brag on us! We want to let you brag on us!" What a beautiful reminder that we are not to be of this world, but simply in this world. Too often we make stupid decisions because we are looking for the approval of those around us, rather then our Lord. From this day forward my prayer will be that God teaches us to allow Him to brag on us & that we will not search for anyone's approval but His. Her prayer convicted me to the core! There have been so many times in the last year that I have asked myself if I am really accomplishing anything with this young woman? But days like today remind me that life isn't a snapshot. I cannot decide that one failure gives me the right to walk away. God starts over with me daily & I have to start over with my kids. He is doing amazing work in the life of this young woman. Boxing gloves & all, the ability to love him & love others is still in her. She has an ability to lead that far exceeds any ability i've ever dreamed of having. These mountains of success are such a recognition that He is at work in every opportunity He gives us. It is such a blessing to watch as He changes hearts & allows us to have relationships with hurting people.

Today I was asked why I love my job so much. There are so many things I love about Contact. There is not enough room in any blog to fully describe the way my life has been changed forever through working at Contact. However, what I love about Contact the most is that I am given the opportunity to love the kids where they are at, not where I want them to be. Most often when I begin working with the kids I want more for their lives then they want for their own. As time goes on I am able to watch as their plans for their lives become His plans & because they are His plans they begin to want something better. It truly is life changing!

Thank you again for all your love & support! I appreciate so much everyone's interest in what God is doing at Contact! It is an exciting time in the ministry He is doing here. We are a blessed staff & a blessed congregation! 

"If you do good people will accuse you of having selfish ulterior motives...DO GOOD ANYWAY!"

Ephesians 1:11-12 "It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone."

Rules & Regulations Or Real Relationships?

Although there are several things that I want in my Christian walk, what I desire more then anything is to have a personal relationship with God. In the last year, more then ever before, I have learned that sometimes having a personal relationship with God is messy. It is not always as clean cut as I feel like it should be. Even though I do believe that we are given rules & regulations to follow in having a relationship with God, I no longer believe that He wants me to be "correct" in how I handle my relationship with Him, but He wants me to be genuine. 


Like any other relationship in my life, my relationship with God is like a roller coaster. There are days when I can feel his presence encompass me & I am completely fulfilled by him. On the other hand there are days when I find myself so wrapped up in sin that I can't even begin to see past where I find myself on that given day. Still yet, there are days when all I can see is the tragedy that encompassed our lives when our little Lexi passed away. Based on these three different phases of spirituality in my own walk I have been able to see that God always meets me where I am at. When I am angry He is there to listen. When I am broken He is there to heal. When I sin He is there to cleanse me. When I am at my highest point He is there encouraging me to dig deeper. All He asks is that I be honest with Him where ever I find myself. God wants a genuine, heartfelt, every day relationship, even if at times that involves being passionately honest when for one reason or another I am not where I should be spiritually.


The more I work at Contact, the more I am able to see myself in the individuals that I work with. As a minister I have been called to be the hands & feet of Jesus Christ to the children He has entrusted me to lead. Because of this I want to have a real relationship with each person I work with. I want to be able to meet them where they are at, whether it be in the midst of sin or on a mountaintop of spiritual growth. I want them to be able to openly share their heart with me & know that I will love them regardless of where they find themselves. I strive to walk into Contact every day with the realization that I am a sinner that falls short of God's expectations daily & because of this I need to deal with my own lack of commitment before I judge the people I work with. 


Although there are times when the kids do things that I do not & cannot condone, I believe wholeheartedly that God is at work in their lives even in their shortcomings. God made rules & regulations for our own protection. There are natural consequences to our sin that we will encounter accordingly, but His love for His child remains the same. He has never turned His back on me & I will not turn my back on these kids! He is still at work when a girl must deal with a teen pregnancy, when the kids end up in jail for one reason or another, & still when they are disrespectful & lash out on me. I have to be open to allowing Him to work in me & through me regardless of circumstance. I am blown away by His ability to teach me through His children even in the midst of sin. I am blessed immensely by my job at Contact & could not ask for anything more! I love stepping back & watching as He counsels others & changes them into who He desires for them to be. 

Matthew 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the plank our of your own eye & then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

A Purpose Driven Life

Today I began another internship at Contact. Ministry always has a way of humbling me & causing me to view things through my Lord's eyes rather then my own. Last summer when I began interning never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Contact would be some where I would pursue doing ministry long term. I am such a planner. I plan everything! But often I am guilty of living out my own plan for my life rather then my Lord's. I had been involved in missions in Honduras for a few years & truly believed that God was calling me to mission there full time. I even told Ron, one of the ministers that I work with, when I began my internship that I was heading to O.C. in the fall to pursue degrees in ministry & secondary education, & that following graduation I would move to Honduras. God used last summer to completely change my life. He broke my heart with the work He allowed me to be involved in. He grew me & changed me into a completely different person. He opened my eyes & more importantly my heart so that I could see that ministry truly is everywhere! I was guilty of overlooking the plan that He had for me right here in Tulsa. 


I would never demean foreign mission. I love the work that is being done in Honduras. It is such an amazing experience! I developed many lifelong friendships with the Hondurans that I am eternally grateful for & will continue to pray for them, as well as the missionaries that work so hard daily! When Jesus gave the great commission He clearly calls us to go into all the world. Unfortunately, I often forget that sometimes He is calling me across town, across the street, or even across the room. His plan for our lives as Christians is not to simply go on a mission trip, although they are beneficial for both the kingdom & my own spirituality, the trip is not my only purpose. He wants my heart 100% of the time! He wants me to be willing to step up & speak out for His glory where ever I am. Ministry is not about being comfortable, but about being useful! We were each created to worship Him. 


He has blessed me so much by allowing me to be a part of the ministry at Contact. I know without a doubt that working with the children at Contact is the purpose He has given me. He pours out spiritual gifts on His people & we can choose whether to use them or waste them. As I begin working at Contact full-time again I am striving to live a purpose driven life every day. I want to be exactly who He created me to be! I want my every breath to worship my Father & in doing so bless the people that He has been gracious enough to put in my life. He has blessed me with incredibly amazing children that I get to work with every day & I want to equally bless them. This summer I am going to do everything in my power to help these kids find their gifts & where they can benefit the church the most. I believe we all hit a point in our lives when we feel like our life has no purpose. My main goal this summer is to help these kids find His purpose for their lives. I want each of them to live up to their full potential. I am absolutely ecstatic about what God will do at Contact this summer! I love watching Him move mountains in the lives of His people & look forward to helping the kids find who they are in Him.


I would like to say thank you to everyone who is supporting me & making another summer at Contact possible. Please continue to keep the team & our whole church in your prayers as we strive to live purpose driven lives for the Lord.


"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Therefore ask the God of the harvest to send out workers into the field." Matthew 9:37