Psalm 139:23

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

Sunday, April 11, 2010

~Heaven is the face of my little girl~

What an amazing weekend! I was able to spend the entire weekend with the kids while Donna & Bri went out of town. We had so much fun! We went to the park three times, caught fish, played a countless amount of games, prayed together, & they even got to go to Church with me today. Logan was so helpful...he always is. He even wanted to make lunch for the kids yesterday (mac 'n cheese). He gives the best hugs & always knows when I need them the most. Leland is so full of energy! His little grin makes me so happy. I love playing with him. Landon slept in bed with me both nights... He's always been my cuddle bug! I absolutely love cuddling the kids more then I ever have before. I lay with each of them until they fall asleep at night. God blessed me so much when He allowed me to become a part of the Alt family. The kids truly are amazing! They continue to amaze me with their insight & love for the Lord in the midst of tragedy.

The kids all struggle in different ways, but Lauren & Lindsey seem to struggle the most. Lauren keeps asking me about things we did when the twins were born. I'm glad she remembers so many details about the time i've spent with them, but it's hard to hear her talk about the things I used to say & do with Lexi. She misses her so much! Yesterday we were sitting in the living room & she burst into tears. I asked her what was wrong & she told me she just missed Lexi. I just held her & cried with her. All I could say was that I miss her too! There is no such thing as words of wisdom in a situation like this. Sometimes the only thing I can do is cry, pray, & scream! Our life is divided into two parts now: before Lexi got sick & after. I hate the second part! I wish it was all just a terrible nightmare! I hate reality! I want so badly to have the good times back :'(. It's not fair! 

Lindsey breaks my heart when she talks about Lex. She tells me every time I see her that Lexi is in heaven & she can't come home anymore. She cries at night when I put her to bed & tells me she misses sleeping with Lexi. When I took the kids to the park yesterday Lindsey was talking & I couldn't understand her. I asked her what she was saying. She said "Kayla, I not talking to you! I talking to Lexi." It's precious that she still talks to her twin. I've always told the twins they were my baby girls & yesterday that was all Lindsey could talk about. She kept saying "I kayla's baby girl." Last night she said, "Kayla, I your baby girl." I said, "Yes miss Lindsey & you will always be my baby!" She put her hand on my heart & she said "Lexi's in your heart Kayla. She's still your baby girl too!" It made me cry :(. The last time I ever saw Lexi she told me she would always be my baby girl & those words couldn't be any more true! As much as it makes me cry i'm so grateful that Lindsey has some insight & understanding of what's happened. She told me last night that she will sleep with Lexi again when she goes to heaven & that I will be in heaven with them. I long for that day! I can't wait to hold both of my girls again.

My relationship with the Lord is so authentic right now. Watching Lexi fight for her life rocked me to my core! My faith has never been so shaken. It is times like this that faith becomes genuine. I have to trust Him even when I don't understand and everything about life no longer makes sense. I have to remind myself every day that my ways are not His ways. I know without a doubt in my mind that He never left Lex, not even for a second. He did fight for her... just not the way I wanted Him to. Heaven means so many things to me on so many levels right now. I ask God every day to tell Lexi that i'm sending her hugs & kisses & that part of my heart is in heaven with her & the other part of it is still here with the rest of my family. Lindsey has a cut on her foot & it started bleeding last night. I had to put a band-aid on it & kiss it to make it better. Lauren told Lindsey, "Ask Jesus to make it feel better Lindsey. He will give you a scab so you don't bleed too much. He makes everything better." This seven year old little girl teaches me so much about the Lord. After I put the kids to bed I spent some time praying for each of them. I was able to thank God that no matter how deep the cut is or how much he allows us to bleed that He will give us the scab to begin healing. This will never be okay! We will never ever get past losing Lexi. It will always hurt, but He will provide scabs & help us to live life to the full through Him. Until then I will hold on to heaven like never before. Heaven truly is the face of my precious baby girl! I cannot wait until I see her face & she takes my hand & leads me to my Father....just like she did so many times while she was here.

I love you Lex! I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you now & read you a book before bed. I wish I could dress you & fix your hair with bows & tell you how beautiful you are. I'm glad your with Jesus. I'm glad you feel better. I know He kisses you every day for me. Lindsey is are in my heart & you always will be! Thank you for being the most amazing little girl ever! You are now & forever my precious baby girl :)

1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who calls you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, & steadfast."

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