Psalm 139:23

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

There's no address in the stars...

This past week has been so hard! I've been really sick which has given me time to feel sorry for myself. I try every morning to give my pain & heartache to the Lord & allow Him to comfort me, but this past week I cannot shake the emotions. I miss Lex soooo much! Reality is sinking in more & more every day. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. Every day feels like a marathon :(. If I can just get from one breath to the next without crying I have really accomplished something. I write Lexi notes almost every day telling her how much I love her & miss her & how I wish things were different. I still don't want to believe this happened! I think a lot about the times I had with her before I knew she was sick...the times we laughed & played & I didn't worry about not being able to see her again. I would give anything for one more good day with all 6 of the kids. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my pain, but that's just a lie! I will never get over losing Lexi. I will just learn to live with the pain. 

There are so many things that remind me of Lexi every day. Last weekend I went to Walmart & saw a beautiful Easter dress. My first thought was wow that dress would be so beautiful on my baby girls, but then I realized I will never see Lexi in another pretty dress. My days of dressing her & fixing her hair with pretty bows are over.  Moments like this make my heart hurt! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop hurting! It is hard to see anything that has to do with twins. I went to the Tulsa Workshop & saw a photo frame for twins that said "Double Blessed" and had a picture of each twin with their footprints. I try so hard not to be jealous that other families have twins, but I can't help it! Holding two baby girls at the same time who never should have taken a breath was the most amazing & indescribable feeling I have ever felt in my life. It seems so wrong to have one twin without the other. Lindsey really misses Lexi. I called the kids last night & talked with them about their trip to Disney World. Lindsey told me she had fun & she misses me. Then she said, "Kayla, I want Lexi to come home! I miss her!" It took everything in me not to start bawling. All I could say was, "I miss Lexi too Linds!" Moments like this make me question why this had to happen. It doesn't seem fair! I hate hearing the kids upset! They shouldn't experience pain like this. 

I find myself thinking about heaven more & more every day. I am honestly excited about dying. This earth is simply my temporary home. I look forward to being in my permanent home with my Father & my precious baby girl. Even though my heart is broken over the idea of spending Easter without Lex, I am so grateful for what Easter symbolizes. I often have to remind myself that the cross would have been God's worst defeat if Jesus had not risen again. Because He rose again Lexi has been risen & some day I too will join her in our Father's kingdom. It so comforting to think about being with my Lord. No matter how hard this life gets, I rest assured on His promises. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He has promised that He is close to the brokenhearted & most importantly He has promised that He is preparing a place for me...a place where there is no more pain and no more loss. Even on my worse day I know who I belong to & where I am going. I will continue to love Him every day in spite of my "why" & "what if" questions. He is my hope & my salvation. In Him I find a  peace which surpasses understanding. My weary heart finds rest at His feet...

"The Lord is near to those who are brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18

"The Lord will also be a refuge for the oppressed. A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know your name will put their trust in you; for you Lord have not forsaken those who seek you." Ps. 9:9-10

e Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Ps 18.1-2)

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