Tuesday, March 30, 2010
There's no address in the stars...
This past week has been so hard! I've been really sick which has given me time to feel sorry for myself. I try every morning to give my pain & heartache to the Lord & allow Him to comfort me, but this past week I cannot shake the emotions. I miss Lex soooo much! Reality is sinking in more & more every day. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. Every day feels like a marathon :(. If I can just get from one breath to the next without crying I have really accomplished something. I write Lexi notes almost every day telling her how much I love her & miss her & how I wish things were different. I still don't want to believe this happened! I think a lot about the times I had with her before I knew she was sick...the times we laughed & played & I didn't worry about not being able to see her again. I would give anything for one more good day with all 6 of the kids. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my pain, but that's just a lie! I will never get over losing Lexi. I will just learn to live with the pain.
There are so many things that remind me of Lexi every day. Last weekend I went to Walmart & saw a beautiful Easter dress. My first thought was wow that dress would be so beautiful on my baby girls, but then I realized I will never see Lexi in another pretty dress. My days of dressing her & fixing her hair with pretty bows are over. Moments like this make my heart hurt! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop hurting! It is hard to see anything that has to do with twins. I went to the Tulsa Workshop & saw a photo frame for twins that said "Double Blessed" and had a picture of each twin with their footprints. I try so hard not to be jealous that other families have twins, but I can't help it! Holding two baby girls at the same time who never should have taken a breath was the most amazing & indescribable feeling I have ever felt in my life. It seems so wrong to have one twin without the other. Lindsey really misses Lexi. I called the kids last night & talked with them about their trip to Disney World. Lindsey told me she had fun & she misses me. Then she said, "Kayla, I want Lexi to come home! I miss her!" It took everything in me not to start bawling. All I could say was, "I miss Lexi too Linds!" Moments like this make me question why this had to happen. It doesn't seem fair! I hate hearing the kids upset! They shouldn't experience pain like this.
I find myself thinking about heaven more & more every day. I am honestly excited about dying. This earth is simply my temporary home. I look forward to being in my permanent home with my Father & my precious baby girl. Even though my heart is broken over the idea of spending Easter without Lex, I am so grateful for what Easter symbolizes. I often have to remind myself that the cross would have been God's worst defeat if Jesus had not risen again. Because He rose again Lexi has been risen & some day I too will join her in our Father's kingdom. It so comforting to think about being with my Lord. No matter how hard this life gets, I rest assured on His promises. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He has promised that He is close to the brokenhearted & most importantly He has promised that He is preparing a place for me...a place where there is no more pain and no more loss. Even on my worse day I know who I belong to & where I am going. I will continue to love Him every day in spite of my "why" & "what if" questions. He is my hope & my salvation. In Him I find a peace which surpasses understanding. My weary heart finds rest at His feet...
"The Lord is near to those who are brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18
"The Lord will also be a refuge for the oppressed. A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know your name will put their trust in you; for you Lord have not forsaken those who seek you." Ps. 9:9-10