Today was my third Sunday in Church since our little Lexi passed away. I would love to say that in these last 17 days i've had some great epiphany about why this happened & that i'm completely at peace with it, but that would simply be a lie! I miss Lexi everyday, but especially on Sundays! Church is such a huge reminder of our loss. No one is asking me about how Lexi is doing. I have no miraculous report of God's power. It's a continual reminder that God has the power to work miracles...He just chose not to give us one. I know that He is God & I have no right to question Him. His plan is perfect! I just wish I could change the circumstances :'(. I'm tired of crying all the time! I want to fix this for Lexi's parents & her precious siblings, but there is nothing I can do to ever fix this or even make it any better! Nothing & no one will ever replace Lexi. Her loss left a massive void in all of our hearts :(
About two weeks before Lexi received her liver transplant I went to a Casting Crowns concert. Kutless opened the concert and I was extremely comforted by their song, "That's what faith can do." It spoke to my heart in a way that I desperately needed that day. I truly believed if I had enough faith God would hear my pleas for the life of our precious baby girl! I wasn't even praying for a liver transplant....I was praying for a complete supernatural healing of the liver she had. I heard the song this morning & of course it brought tears to my eyes. Without Lexi that song has a new meaning...Faith will be what moves the mountains of pain & hopelessness from our hearts. Right now the only thing I have to hold on to is that faith in a living God leads to an eternal living. He never once told me that my faith would heal Lexi, but He did promise that Lexi would spend an eternal life in His presence.
Even though it seems as though we have lost all hope & it feels as though faith didn't do anything for Lexi, I know that is NOT true! I know that faith in my God DOES move mountains! Because of His power I will spend an eternity with Him. He has promised that I will see Lexi again & once I do, I will never ever lose her again. I will never understand why He chooses to award some people with miracles & chooses to call others home, but I do know that He is every bit as faithful as the day He brought Lexi into this world! Lexi was born at only 32 weeks. He did give us a miracle by allowing us to spend three years with her. I will always consider those three years the best three years of my life on this earth! I pray that in the midst of this storm my faith will be proved genuine.
My Precious Lexi- I miss you so much! Every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful smile! You truly lit up the room baby girl. Yesterday when I walked outside & the sun was shining, all I could think was that heaven has got a lot brighter since u went there & now you're lighting up the whole world! I'm glad that you feel better & your getting to play. I can't wait until I get to play with you again. You will always be my precious baby girl! Love u so much baby!
1 Peter 1:6-9
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
That's What Faith Can Do - Lyrics