Tonight is a rough night. I can't stop the tears from flowing! Thursday was a month since my lil Lexi passed away. I can't even believe it's been a whole month without her! It is hard to realize that just because my heart is broken & my world came crashing down, doesn't mean the world stopped. Life goes on...without Lexi :'(. I still wake up feeling like this is all a terrible dream. I don't want to believe this happened! I don't want to move on! I want more then anything to go to Lexi's house & life be back to normal. I want to walk into her room & see her smile her beautiful smile. I can't handle the reality that none of this will ever happen again here on earth. There is an aching pain in my heart every day! Not a day goes by that I don't mourn the loss of Lexi; the shattered hope & broken dreams.
On Thursday I went out to Lexi's grave. It was a beautiful day. The beauty of the sunshine reminded me of how He is the creator of all things... especially the creator of Lexi. She was His...not mine. He just blessed me by allowing me to borrow her for three years. Even still, seeing her name at a grave made me nauseous. I told her I miss her & can't wait to be with her again, & that i'm glad that she feels better. I spent some time in prayer & told my Lord how unfair it is that I was having to talk to my baby girl at a grave. This wasn't how it was supposed to end! She was supposed to get better. She should already be home from receiving her transplant. That reality is so hard to deal with! The fact that she received the liver transplant & still did not survive has been the hardest part of this terrible tragedy. We were given hope just to have it ripped away!
Even as I cry tonight I am so grateful for the love that my Lord continues to pour on us during this storm. He has never & will never leave our side. A few weeks ago I was crying & begging Him to give me an answer... anything to give me a little bit of peace & show me that He is still here. The next day I read Luke 9. Towards the end of chapter 9 a man ask if he can follow Jesus. Jesus replies yes, follow me now. The man says first let me go and bury my dead father. In verse 60 Jesus replies, "Let the dead bury the dead. You go & proclaim the kingdom of God." If I didn't know anything else about Jesus this verse would seem so cruel! But I don't think He was being cruel. I think He was frustrated that in our humanness we don't understand how temporary this world is. We are not meant to live here... we are meant to live with our Father. I am supposed to be where Lexi is. Just like I mourn being separated from Lexi, my Father mourns being away from His children here on earth. Maybe i'm crazy, but to me that verse was His way of telling me, "Kayla, you don't get it! You don't understand my ways, which is why it is impossible for you to understand losing Lexi! Stop focusing on death & focus on life! You are not where you belong! Your days are numbered too. You will see Lexi again, but until then proclaim my kingdom. Your job isn't over yet. Someday the answers you seek will be revealed to you, but until then just trust me!"
Isn't that what faith is all about? Trusting our Father to know best even when our eyes are so full of tears that we cannot begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would've been so easy to keep my faith in the Lord if He had healed Lexi here on earth. It is a lot harder to glorify Him when I had to tell Lexi goodbye. On this side of eternity I will never understand why this had to happen. I have so many questions without answers, but His promises remain the same! He promised to never leave me & I know He didn't. He is carrying me & the rest of Lexi's family through this horrific storm. We will never get over losing Lexi. There will always be a precious piece of our family that is missing, but somehow God will heal our broken hearts. He still moves mountains & I believe with everything in me that He will move the mountains of pain & hopelessness from all of our hearts. Until then, we hold onto Him & fight with everything in us to leave a meaningful legacy that changes eternity.
"Our miracle for a moment is Heaven's angel for eternity."