Psalm 139:23

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

You are ALWAYS enough!

I moved back down to school yesterday. The idea of moving back to school was really hard for me to handle this time. When I moved last year I left 6 beautiful children. I never thought that I would move home to only 5. Our lives have changed so dramatically! Even decorating my room was difficult. Last year pictures of Lexis covered my desk as well as scriptures that I was praying over her during her battle with liver failure. This year I made a picture board that includes pictures of my whole family & my best friends. I have 3 of my favorite pictures of Lexi on it...

I love the top one! She was such a silly little girl! She was always making me laugh. The one of the twins is my absolute favorite of those two! It really captures what it was like having twins. They were inseparable! There were so many times that I had to clean up the kitchen cause they spilled the soap, or got into the lotion... my favorite was when they squirted an entire tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom floor! They were a mess, but they were my little messes. The last one is my last picture with Lexi. It was taken two weeks before she passed away. I had driven home in the middle of the week because I was going nuts without being able to hold her! I can't begin to describe how hard it was to know that she was sick & also know that 90% of the time I wasn't gonna be with her. Donna went out with her mom & sister that night & gave me one last night with Lex. When I kissed Lexi that night she told me she would always be my baby girl! I treasure this picture, as well as the words she said to me that night. 

Before Lexi died I had a complete trust in my Lord. I truly believed that He performed miracles & that prayer changed people's lives. From the very moment I received that phone call that she was gone my whole perspective about God changed. I didn't stop loving Him, but I stopped believing that He really acted in our lives on an every day basis. My problem was never that I didn't believe in God's goodness, it was that I knew how good He was & couldn't understand why He didn't help us! Looking back months later I am beginning to realize that my first perspective about God was not wrong! I was completely correct in believing that He is good, He is holy, He is love, He is all powerful, & He is in complete control. I was in the truest & purest form of worship I have ever found myself in while she was sick & even after she passed away. I knew that I could not handle this alone! I needed God to carry me! He was the only one who could help me. In the last several months I have said things in prayer that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. On countless occasions I have accused God of not doing His job & His response consistently has been "I'm big enough Kayla! I can handle your hurt, your doubt, your questions, your anger! Throw it to me & let me hold you!" 

My verse while Lexis was sick was "Be still & know that I am God," that being the reasoning behind my blog title. I had no option other then accepting His wisdom & today I am in the same position! I can stay angry & heartbroken forever. I can choose to quit living & only focus on the tragedy. Or I can choose to GET UP! I choose the second one. As hard as it is, this week I have finally accepted what it means to "Be still & know that I am God." It doesn't mean that I will have the answers to the problems of this world. What it does mean is that I can choose to accept that there are things in this life beyond my comprehension. God can work in things even if they weren't in His plan. I will never believe that He planned for Lexi to die, but I do believe that He is carrying our whole family & slowly the pieces of our broken hearts are being put back together. 

The other night I was singing songs with Lindsey & Leland before they went to sleep. When we got done singing Lindsey prayed "Dear God, thank you for mommy, and daddy, and kayla, and lexi in heaven. Help me be a servant. Amen" I was in awe of her young faith! She summed up what it means to be a Christian ... help me be a servant. A servant lives for his/her master. Today I choose to continue living for my Lord. Even though our loss was huge, He is enough! He is bigger then the pain! And someday we will rise with the Lord & all things will be made RIGHT! Until then I will be still & know that He is God. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I used to carry you in my arms, 
Now I carry you in my heart.
I loved to fix your hair with bows,
Now all I have to fix is a stone.
I don't know why you left me!
There's so much I don't understand!
What I wouldn't give to hold your hand again.
I miss you more then I could ever explain
The pain is so great I can't even describe!
You were my little miracle, but only for a short time
I prayed the day would never come
I never wanted to say goodbye
But the world keeps spinning & life goes on.
Whether I want to or not I must move on.
You stole my heart & life will never be the same.
Don't you see? There is a part of me that remains with you!
So dance with Jesus until we meet again & hold that piece of me in your pretty little hand.
Someday I will join you & then & only then I will be whole again.
Until then I hold onto precious memories left behind.
For the truth is, love is stronger then death.
Our relationship will never end!
Though time goes by & life goes on you will remain mine!
Forever & always my precious baby girl!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


This week one of my Contact girls was looking through some of my pictures of Lexi. She began asking questions about what happened during her battle with liver failure. She said, "You've handled this better then I would! It's cool that you can talk to me about it and not break down!" I didn't really have a  response for what she said. Her perception of me is so different then my own. All that kept running through my head was "I don't handle this well! I break down all the time! I just refuse to cry in front of anyone! I cry at her grave, in my room, in her room, & in my car...when i'm ALONE!" I don't have some amazing strength that everyone seems to see in me. That is rather other's perception of the situation. 

When Lexi passed away my worst nightmare became my devastating reality. Her death has changed how I view so many things in this life, but especially how I view my relationship with God. I have learned the hard truth that God allows and disallows different things for His purpose. It has absolutely nothing to do with me! There is nothing I can do to change His mind. Giving some miracles while taking others home will never make sense to me, but I TRUST Him. He is the one that was, and is, and is to come, and because of that I can honestly say that even on my worst days I know that He is taking care of Lexi and that He is healing those of us left behind. When I question why a three year old had to die, time and time again He has reminded me that He did not create us to spend a life here, but rather a life in heaven with Him. Death exist simply because we live in a broken world! 

I will never fully get over losing Lexi! There will always be a hole in my heart! Every time I see twins I will wonder why we don't have both. I will always feel like I was cheated out of seeing her grow up. But I will also always know that this is NOT the end! My relationship with Lexi did not end when she took her last breath. I trust that Jesus is preparing a place for me and someday I will join Lexi in our permanent home. One of the most beautiful things God has ever given us is free will. I get to choose how I will perceive the loss of this precious child. I had no control over whether she lived or died, but I can control how it effects me and those around me. From now until He calls me home I am going to choose to accept what happened. I am going to find a way to bring glory to His name because of Lexi's life. God is a God of life, NOT death, and because of this, I rejoice in the life she had here and the life she has now!

2 Corinthians 4:18- For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!

Lex, I'm missing you so much right now! I've cried a lot this week! I even dreamed about you last night, which just upset me more. Dreaming about you is just a tease. I almost feel like I can see you again, but the whole time I know that I am only dreaming. Reality is that I cannot see you on this side of eternity. Landon starts school tomorrow. I can't believe he's old enough to start school! I used to wonder what it would be like when three of you were in school & three of you were at home. Now it just breaks my heart that only two are left at home. I wanted to see you go to school with Lindsey! More then anything I miss seeing you play with her. I miss putting you to bed together. Every time I put her in bed I look at your side of the bed and picture you laying beside her. I can't wait to see you again! I can't wait until we walk in heaven and you tell me everything you've done since you've been there. More then anything I can't wait to hear you say that you love me again. I'd give anything to hear that now! You are still my baby girl! I love you most!