This week one of my Contact girls was looking through some of my pictures of Lexi. She began asking questions about what happened during her battle with liver failure. She said, "You've handled this better then I would! It's cool that you can talk to me about it and not break down!" I didn't really have a response for what she said. Her perception of me is so different then my own. All that kept running through my head was "I don't handle this well! I break down all the time! I just refuse to cry in front of anyone! I cry at her grave, in my room, in her room, & in my car...when i'm ALONE!" I don't have some amazing strength that everyone seems to see in me. That is rather other's perception of the situation.
When Lexi passed away my worst nightmare became my devastating reality. Her death has changed how I view so many things in this life, but especially how I view my relationship with God. I have learned the hard truth that God allows and disallows different things for His purpose. It has absolutely nothing to do with me! There is nothing I can do to change His mind. Giving some miracles while taking others home will never make sense to me, but I TRUST Him. He is the one that was, and is, and is to come, and because of that I can honestly say that even on my worst days I know that He is taking care of Lexi and that He is healing those of us left behind. When I question why a three year old had to die, time and time again He has reminded me that He did not create us to spend a life here, but rather a life in heaven with Him. Death exist simply because we live in a broken world!
I will never fully get over losing Lexi! There will always be a hole in my heart! Every time I see twins I will wonder why we don't have both. I will always feel like I was cheated out of seeing her grow up. But I will also always know that this is NOT the end! My relationship with Lexi did not end when she took her last breath. I trust that Jesus is preparing a place for me and someday I will join Lexi in our permanent home. One of the most beautiful things God has ever given us is free will. I get to choose how I will perceive the loss of this precious child. I had no control over whether she lived or died, but I can control how it effects me and those around me. From now until He calls me home I am going to choose to accept what happened. I am going to find a way to bring glory to His name because of Lexi's life. God is a God of life, NOT death, and because of this, I rejoice in the life she had here and the life she has now!
2 Corinthians 4:18- For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!
Lex, I'm missing you so much right now! I've cried a lot this week! I even dreamed about you last night, which just upset me more. Dreaming about you is just a tease. I almost feel like I can see you again, but the whole time I know that I am only dreaming. Reality is that I cannot see you on this side of eternity. Landon starts school tomorrow. I can't believe he's old enough to start school! I used to wonder what it would be like when three of you were in school & three of you were at home. Now it just breaks my heart that only two are left at home. I wanted to see you go to school with Lindsey! More then anything I miss seeing you play with her. I miss putting you to bed together. Every time I put her in bed I look at your side of the bed and picture you laying beside her. I can't wait to see you again! I can't wait until we walk in heaven and you tell me everything you've done since you've been there. More then anything I can't wait to hear you say that you love me again. I'd give anything to hear that now! You are still my baby girl! I love you most!