I moved back down to school yesterday. The idea of moving back to school was really hard for me to handle this time. When I moved last year I left 6 beautiful children. I never thought that I would move home to only 5. Our lives have changed so dramatically! Even decorating my room was difficult. Last year pictures of Lexis covered my desk as well as scriptures that I was praying over her during her battle with liver failure. This year I made a picture board that includes pictures of my whole family & my best friends. I have 3 of my favorite pictures of Lexi on it...
I love the top one! She was such a silly little girl! She was always making me laugh. The one of the twins is my absolute favorite of those two! It really captures what it was like having twins. They were inseparable! There were so many times that I had to clean up the kitchen cause they spilled the soap, or got into the lotion... my favorite was when they squirted an entire tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom floor! They were a mess, but they were my little messes. The last one is my last picture with Lexi. It was taken two weeks before she passed away. I had driven home in the middle of the week because I was going nuts without being able to hold her! I can't begin to describe how hard it was to know that she was sick & also know that 90% of the time I wasn't gonna be with her. Donna went out with her mom & sister that night & gave me one last night with Lex. When I kissed Lexi that night she told me she would always be my baby girl! I treasure this picture, as well as the words she said to me that night.
Before Lexi died I had a complete trust in my Lord. I truly believed that He performed miracles & that prayer changed people's lives. From the very moment I received that phone call that she was gone my whole perspective about God changed. I didn't stop loving Him, but I stopped believing that He really acted in our lives on an every day basis. My problem was never that I didn't believe in God's goodness, it was that I knew how good He was & couldn't understand why He didn't help us! Looking back months later I am beginning to realize that my first perspective about God was not wrong! I was completely correct in believing that He is good, He is holy, He is love, He is all powerful, & He is in complete control. I was in the truest & purest form of worship I have ever found myself in while she was sick & even after she passed away. I knew that I could not handle this alone! I needed God to carry me! He was the only one who could help me. In the last several months I have said things in prayer that I never thought would ever come out of my mouth. On countless occasions I have accused God of not doing His job & His response consistently has been "I'm big enough Kayla! I can handle your hurt, your doubt, your questions, your anger! Throw it to me & let me hold you!"
My verse while Lexis was sick was "Be still & know that I am God," that being the reasoning behind my blog title. I had no option other then accepting His wisdom & today I am in the same position! I can stay angry & heartbroken forever. I can choose to quit living & only focus on the tragedy. Or I can choose to GET UP! I choose the second one. As hard as it is, this week I have finally accepted what it means to "Be still & know that I am God." It doesn't mean that I will have the answers to the problems of this world. What it does mean is that I can choose to accept that there are things in this life beyond my comprehension. God can work in things even if they weren't in His plan. I will never believe that He planned for Lexi to die, but I do believe that He is carrying our whole family & slowly the pieces of our broken hearts are being put back together.
The other night I was singing songs with Lindsey & Leland before they went to sleep. When we got done singing Lindsey prayed "Dear God, thank you for mommy, and daddy, and kayla, and lexi in heaven. Help me be a servant. Amen" I was in awe of her young faith! She summed up what it means to be a Christian ... help me be a servant. A servant lives for his/her master. Today I choose to continue living for my Lord. Even though our loss was huge, He is enough! He is bigger then the pain! And someday we will rise with the Lord & all things will be made RIGHT! Until then I will be still & know that He is God.