"I would rather walk everyday in the darkest place known to man with my Lord, then walk one day anywhere else without Him."
It has been 14 days since I received a phone call I desperately prayed I would never receive. These last two weeks have been devastating, frustrating, and exhausting! I never thought I could feel so many emotions! I miss Lexi every day, especially when i'm at school. There is something comforting about being able to still love on her siblings.
For the first time in my life, all the bible verses I typically love have brought no comfort to me whatsoever. The verses actually tend to frustrate me more! Probably because I know in my heart of hearts that they are true and I simply need to submit to my Lord's wisdom. Anyway the other day in ministry class we read the story of the prodigal son. This is one of my favorite stories in the bible, because 97% of my spiritual walk is about going back to my Lord and repenting for my shortcomings. The coolest thing about God's word is that He desires to teach me something new every time I read it. As we discussed it I was able to see the individual love that the father has for his children. Even though one of his sons is still at home, his heart is broken without the one who had left. Not only does God love each of His children, but He loves us individually. He hurts when we are separated from Him! Truth be told, no matter how good of a relationship I have with God while i'm on earth, there is still a separation. My relationship with Him will change completely when I see Him face to face & He knows this. To the Lord death is simply removing the separation between Him & His beloved child. Earth's tragic loss is heaven's glorious gain!
After beating my head up against the wall with questions I have finally come to the realization that the only way to get through this is to focus on the unseen. As much as I miss Lexi I wouldn't want to take away from the glory she has now! Lexi had a terminal illness that did take her life, but in all reality we are all terminal. We live to die! We sing songs at church that say "This world is not my home," but it doesn't have much of an effect on us until we have nothing to hold on to outside of heaven. My human mind cannot grasp this idea that this world is nothing more then a vapor. Whether i'm here for 3 years, 19 years, or 100 years my time spent here cannot possibly compare to the time I will spend in my heavenly home! From now on I am gonna view every day as one day closer to being home with my Father...I am 14 days closer to holding Lexi again. Lexi taught me so many things in her short little life. She taught me how to love compassionately, how to soak up every minute of life, and how to praise God regardless of the circumstance. Until Christ returns or calls me home I am going to strive every day to use every gift He has given me. Like Lexi, I want to have nothing left when I get to heaven because I loved with everything I had. I long for the day when I will see my Maker's face & there will be no separation between the Father and His child.