Held

Today was a really hard day for me! I dreamed about my sweet baby girl last night. I've been missing her so much lately & seeing her was incredible! In the dream it was my wedding day. I was getting ready & for the first time in 8 months I was able to dress both of my girls! Their dresses were beautiful! They both looked so perfect. Lexi loved my dress! She used to call me "my kayla" & when she would get excited about something she would say, "Oh! Oh!". That's exactly what she said in my dream... "Oh, Oh my kayla's so pretty!"

Waking up from dreams about her is such a bitter stab of reality! For those of you who do not know, I have always wanted Lexi & Lindsey to be the flower girls in my wedding. I know that in light of everything it doesn't seem all that important, but it was important to me! It is devastating to realize that someday I will dress Lindsey & watch her walk down the aisle & she will stand with me, but her twin will not be standing beside her :(.

Anyway, I went through a time after she died when I was angry that she was gone & even more so I was angry with God for allowing it to happen! Anger is no longer my reaction. On days like today there is a pain that comes from so deep inside of me that I don't even begin to know what to do with it! In these moments I have learned to simply give up! I let myself cry... a lot, I look through her pictures, & talk about the good times & then I lay it at HIS feet. Giving my pain to the Lord is the only option I have! Anger didn't get me anywhere. Blaming my God for her loss doesn't give me Lexi back! It simply takes my hope. God did not fail because HE let Lexi die! Granted HE could've saved her. HE could've caused the bleeding to stop, but for reasons far beyond my understanding HE allowed her to come home instead!

I don't have an answer for why Lexi died & I never will. BUT my God is not any less good then when HE blessed us with our miracle babies on November 6, 2006. Is it fair? Of course it isn't! No three year old should suffer & die! God didn't intend for life to be this way!  Our bodies fail because of sin! Remember back to Genesis... HE walked with Adam & Eve in the garden. After Adam & Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit God put a limit on human life. Therefore, I can blame myself for the fact that people die & I can thank my God that HE loved me enough to keep death from being the end!

 If anyone who ever walked this earth deserved to have their prayer answered in the way they wished, it was Jesus! He was the only humanbeing to never fail HIS Father & yet God allowed him to suffer (unfairly) & die so that I can spend an eternity with HIM. Before I jump on the "God's so unfair for not answering my prayers" boat, I must recognize that the only reason HE even hears my prayers period is because HE unfairly gave up HIS own son to die upon a cross. In light of HIS sacrifice I have no stance for why my life is unfair.

So here is where I am today... I am accepting that God created Lexi to spend an eternity in Heaven with HIM. This world is simply a blink of an eye in the spectrum of eternity. As a Christian my only goal for children should be this.... that they spend an eternity with the LORD. Although next Saturday will be one of the hardest days of my life, as I will celebrate the twins birthday with only Lindsey, I am going to fight with everything in me to find strength in the Lord. I am going to strive to view this world through HIS eyes & realize that Heaven is where we all should be. Someday I will celebrate another birthday with the twins & this painful loss will fade to memory as all things are made right in the presence of my FATHER.

Thank you Lord for being so incredibly unfair to your one & only son for a sinner like me. Help me to look to the cross before I look at my loss. I want to submit to you! I want to give you the glory & the praise for the time that you gave me with Lexi & for the eternity that you will give me with her when my time on this earth is over. I was so blessed to have her, no matter how short the time was. Thank you for never leaving my side. Hold each of us in your arms of unfailing love this week! Give us your joy, your peace, & your love. Walk with us always.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Emotions...

This month has been such an emotional month for me! Dates are constant reminders of Lexi's battle with liver failure, but also of Donna's battle with premature labor. I watched Donna fight so hard to deliver healthy identical twin girls. She gave up everything to make sure those girls had a chance at life. Three years later I watched as she fought for Lexi's life again! I never could've imagined that the fight would end in tragic loss! Today has been 8 months since Lexi passed away. That doesn't even seem possible!!! I have been teary all day today. 


My Birthday is three days before the twins Birthday... they were the best sweet 16 present anyone could've ever received. I fell in love with our girls through the window of the NICU & have only fallen more in love with each of them every day since. This year, because I'm off at college, we will celebrate my Birthday the following weekend, which happens to be the twins Birthday. My heart aches for Donna & Bri. I can't begin to imagine how you make Lindsey feel special & yet feel such huge loss over Lexi! Everything becomes ten times harder because Lexi is an identical twin. Everything that we will see Lindsey do, we should've been able to see Lexi do too. 


So many things remind me of Lexi! My cousin & I were at Target the other day & saw a set of identical twin girls looking at toys together. They looked maybe seven or eight years old. Maddi pointed them out & said, "KK look at those adorable twins." I stopped dead in my tracks & just stared at them... I couldn't help it. I'm always taken back when I see identical twins & realize that our baby girls won't grow up together. All the emotions come flooding back & I feel as though the pain will never end while we walk this earth.


I don't know what to say or do or how to help any of us cope through this! I know that my God is a God of healing & today I pray ultimate healing over my family! I pray for strength for Donna & Brian & their children as they live through these painful days. 


Below is a note that I wrote to Lexi on Memorial Day... I read it again today & thought I would share it...

My Darling Little Lexi:

Oh my sweet baby girl! I cannot even begin to put into words how much I miss you every day! It seems like the longer life goes on without you, the worse the pain gets! I went to the park on Friday with your brothers & sisters while Mommy took Lindsey to the eye doctor. It was hard to only see four kids. Without both you & Lindsey there, the realization that life will never be the same grew bigger!

I know it’s been several months now & I should be moving on, but I don’t want to move on without you! I can’t accept that I will never see you again here on earth. I would give anything to hold you in my arms again! I never imagined that we could go from having two beautiful, healthy twin girls to only one. Every time I see identical twins my heart breaks! I wanted to watch you & Lindsey grow up together. I miss watching you both run around the house together & cause trouble. I would give anything to watch you guys make another mess or hold both of you at the same time. I miss your beautiful smile & your laugh! I ache to hear you tell me you love me! I miss dressing you & Lindsey alike & putting bows in your hair. More then anything I miss praying with you.

My heartbreaks every day about the things that I will never see you do… I will never celebrate another Birthday with you. I will never see you go to school. I will never see you turn 16 & drive a car. I will never see you go to prom. I won’t watch you graduate from high school or college. I will never get to watch, as you become a wife or a mommy. You won’t be the flower girl in my wedding with Lindsey.

I often find myself wondering who you would have been when you grew up. You were such a compliant, sweet, beautiful little girl. You had everything going for you! My heart hurts so much over the things you would have accomplished.

I know that you feel better & you are happier then I can even dream of being. I know that you are finally getting to play like a normal three year old because your belly doesn’t hurt anymore. I am so grateful that Jesus is holding your hand & your Father is giving you kisses until we see you again.

There were so many things I prayed over you during your short little life. I began praying for you when Mommy told me she was pregnant with twins & I began praying for you by name when we found out you were girls. Of all the things I prayed, what I prayed most often was that you would know how much God loved you & love Him in return. More then anything in this life, I wanted to be able to help you grow in Him & help you get to heaven. At three years old you accomplished my biggest dream for you. You finished the race marked out for you! I will never understand why you had to leave me so early! I will never understand why God wouldn’t heal you, when I know He could have. But I am confident that you are in heaven & that some day I will see you again. I think about heaven all the time! I cannot wait until I get to hold you in my arms again & you will lead me to my Father just like you did so many times while you walked this earth. You are now & forever my precious baby girl! I love you most Lex!

1 Corinthians 4:18 “For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!”

We believe in the RESURRECTION!

Wow! This is such a hard month for our family! October was the month when my life would become a whirlwind of out of control events & emotions! Last year on October 5th, exactly a month after the plane crash, my Aunt Tammy had a heart-attack. She had been battling lung cancer for quite a while. Mom told me that my Aunt had been placed on life support & I needed to come home right then. All the way home I prayed. I didn't want anyone else's answer on how to comfort my family... I wanted HIS answer. I had been reading 2 Corinthians at the time & what stuck out to me is that God is a God of all comfort! Throughout the book the Corinthians continue asking Paul for wisdom about the issues they are facing... people are immoral, people are being persecuted, good people are dying... why? Every time Paul answers, "Jesus died & rose again." On that day I walked in & spoke with my Nanny, who inevitably would soon be burying her second child. I told her that we can ask God why, but HIS answer will always be Jesus died & rose again & that answer was ENOUGH for whatever heartache we must face! That answer was all we needed to continue getting out of bed every day.


Little did I know that just a few days later I would have to take my own advice. At the luncheon before my Aunt's funeral I received a phone call that Lexi was bleeding internally & being moved to OKC's Children's Hospital. They simply couldn't get the bleeding to stop. When I walked into Contact yesterday morning that phone call weighed heavily on my mind! I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to communicate what Brian had told me. All I could say was "Lexi's been life-flighted to OKC. It's a very dangerous situation."Even speaking the words dangerous & our sweet little Lexi's name in the same sentence was heart-wrenching. October was the beginning of our tragic battle! As you know, Lexi would lose her fight with liver failure after receiving a transplant. I can't begin to describe how painful it is for all of us to revisit the dates of those terrible days!


As I have watched life both begin & fade away around me this year I have realized how blessed Christians truly are! Losing my Grammy to glioblastoma multi forme stage four brain cancer was my first faith stumble in my entire life! I was 16 years old & I couldn't grasp why God would allow good people to suffer.  Three years later, I have watched as my boyfriend buried his Daddy because of the same cancer. Glio is a cancer that takes the person from you long before they are really gone. They lose their ability to walk & talk. You lose them one precious piece at a time. It is a very aggressive & short lived cancer. Both Grammy & Doug died within two months of discovering they had Glioblastoma. By the time you find out... it's already too late. His Dad, like Grammy, was an amazing Christian person! He was kind, loving, & generous. He lived every day for the Lord & was an exemplary example to everyone around him. I feel so blessed by the short time I was able to know & love Doug. 


I have been amazed with both my boyfriend & his entire family during this trying time! None of them have wavered. They have held tight to their convictions! We share a commonality that few people share. It is not one that Curtis & I are glad we share in... we both would rather have Doug & Grammy back, but we are able to share this pain & understand each other in a way no one else does. I meet Curtis three months before my Grammy got sick. We worked together & he was always helping me get shifts taken care of so I could spend more time with Grammy. I do not think it was an accident that God placed us together during that time & brought us back together during Doug's battle. I do not personally know a single other person who has been through this battle besides Curtis & his family. Because of this I am so grateful that God has given us each other to share this painful experience with. 


All that being said, I have been asked countless times why I continued in ministry after Lexi passed away? My answer is the same today as it was before she ever got sick... I do ministry because Jesus died & rose again... I believe in the power of HIS blood, I believe in the power of the resurrection, I believe in an empty tomb, I believe in a Lord that is coming back & I believe in a God who makes all things RIGHT! Curtis & I have both had to learn that God's answer is sometimes "no" in desperate situations. HE didn't choose to give us miracles, & we both know that HE could have, but HE has chosen to turn the "no" answers we were given on this earth into "yes" answers when we reach Heaven! So from now until HE calls us home we will hold onto the answer that is enough for all the heartache in this world... we serve a RISEN Lord! This is why Christians are blessed even in heartache. We know that this world is not our home & we have hope of a new home & a new life with the one's we love. HE is a God of all comfort & HE has never left our side. We will be made whole again because of HIS power! My prayer is that others will come to know HIM because of the battles Tammy, Grammy, Lexi, & Doug all fought & that those of us left behind are a light in the dark places in this world.


2 Corinthians 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."