Psalm 139:23

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

Monday, October 18, 2010


This month has been such an emotional month for me! Dates are constant reminders of Lexi's battle with liver failure, but also of Donna's battle with premature labor. I watched Donna fight so hard to deliver healthy identical twin girls. She gave up everything to make sure those girls had a chance at life. Three years later I watched as she fought for Lexi's life again! I never could've imagined that the fight would end in tragic loss! Today has been 8 months since Lexi passed away. That doesn't even seem possible!!! I have been teary all day today. 

My Birthday is three days before the twins Birthday... they were the best sweet 16 present anyone could've ever received. I fell in love with our girls through the window of the NICU & have only fallen more in love with each of them every day since. This year, because I'm off at college, we will celebrate my Birthday the following weekend, which happens to be the twins Birthday. My heart aches for Donna & Bri. I can't begin to imagine how you make Lindsey feel special & yet feel such huge loss over Lexi! Everything becomes ten times harder because Lexi is an identical twin. Everything that we will see Lindsey do, we should've been able to see Lexi do too. 

So many things remind me of Lexi! My cousin & I were at Target the other day & saw a set of identical twin girls looking at toys together. They looked maybe seven or eight years old. Maddi pointed them out & said, "KK look at those adorable twins." I stopped dead in my tracks & just stared at them... I couldn't help it. I'm always taken back when I see identical twins & realize that our baby girls won't grow up together. All the emotions come flooding back & I feel as though the pain will never end while we walk this earth.

I don't know what to say or do or how to help any of us cope through this! I know that my God is a God of healing & today I pray ultimate healing over my family! I pray for strength for Donna & Brian & their children as they live through these painful days. 

Below is a note that I wrote to Lexi on Memorial Day... I read it again today & thought I would share it...

My Darling Little Lexi:

Oh my sweet baby girl! I cannot even begin to put into words how much I miss you every day! It seems like the longer life goes on without you, the worse the pain gets! I went to the park on Friday with your brothers & sisters while Mommy took Lindsey to the eye doctor. It was hard to only see four kids. Without both you & Lindsey there, the realization that life will never be the same grew bigger!

I know it’s been several months now & I should be moving on, but I don’t want to move on without you! I can’t accept that I will never see you again here on earth. I would give anything to hold you in my arms again! I never imagined that we could go from having two beautiful, healthy twin girls to only one. Every time I see identical twins my heart breaks! I wanted to watch you & Lindsey grow up together. I miss watching you both run around the house together & cause trouble. I would give anything to watch you guys make another mess or hold both of you at the same time. I miss your beautiful smile & your laugh! I ache to hear you tell me you love me! I miss dressing you & Lindsey alike & putting bows in your hair. More then anything I miss praying with you.

My heartbreaks every day about the things that I will never see you do… I will never celebrate another Birthday with you. I will never see you go to school. I will never see you turn 16 & drive a car. I will never see you go to prom. I won’t watch you graduate from high school or college. I will never get to watch, as you become a wife or a mommy. You won’t be the flower girl in my wedding with Lindsey.

I often find myself wondering who you would have been when you grew up. You were such a compliant, sweet, beautiful little girl. You had everything going for you! My heart hurts so much over the things you would have accomplished.

I know that you feel better & you are happier then I can even dream of being. I know that you are finally getting to play like a normal three year old because your belly doesn’t hurt anymore. I am so grateful that Jesus is holding your hand & your Father is giving you kisses until we see you again.

There were so many things I prayed over you during your short little life. I began praying for you when Mommy told me she was pregnant with twins & I began praying for you by name when we found out you were girls. Of all the things I prayed, what I prayed most often was that you would know how much God loved you & love Him in return. More then anything in this life, I wanted to be able to help you grow in Him & help you get to heaven. At three years old you accomplished my biggest dream for you. You finished the race marked out for you! I will never understand why you had to leave me so early! I will never understand why God wouldn’t heal you, when I know He could have. But I am confident that you are in heaven & that some day I will see you again. I think about heaven all the time! I cannot wait until I get to hold you in my arms again & you will lead me to my Father just like you did so many times while you walked this earth. You are now & forever my precious baby girl! I love you most Lex!

1 Corinthians 4:18 “For we do not focus on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!”


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