Today was a really hard day for me! I dreamed about my sweet baby girl last night. I've been missing her so much lately & seeing her was incredible! In the dream it was my wedding day. I was getting ready & for the first time in 8 months I was able to dress both of my girls! Their dresses were beautiful! They both looked so perfect. Lexi loved my dress! She used to call me "my kayla" & when she would get excited about something she would say, "Oh! Oh!". That's exactly what she said in my dream... "Oh, Oh my kayla's so pretty!"
Waking up from dreams about her is such a bitter stab of reality! For those of you who do not know, I have always wanted Lexi & Lindsey to be the flower girls in my wedding. I know that in light of everything it doesn't seem all that important, but it was important to me! It is devastating to realize that someday I will dress Lindsey & watch her walk down the aisle & she will stand with me, but her twin will not be standing beside her :(.
Anyway, I went through a time after she died when I was angry that she was gone & even more so I was angry with God for allowing it to happen! Anger is no longer my reaction. On days like today there is a pain that comes from so deep inside of me that I don't even begin to know what to do with it! In these moments I have learned to simply give up! I let myself cry... a lot, I look through her pictures, & talk about the good times & then I lay it at HIS feet. Giving my pain to the Lord is the only option I have! Anger didn't get me anywhere. Blaming my God for her loss doesn't give me Lexi back! It simply takes my hope. God did not fail because HE let Lexi die! Granted HE could've saved her. HE could've caused the bleeding to stop, but for reasons far beyond my understanding HE allowed her to come home instead!
I don't have an answer for why Lexi died & I never will. BUT my God is not any less good then when HE blessed us with our miracle babies on November 6, 2006. Is it fair? Of course it isn't! No three year old should suffer & die! God didn't intend for life to be this way! Our bodies fail because of sin! Remember back to Genesis... HE walked with Adam & Eve in the garden. After Adam & Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit God put a limit on human life. Therefore, I can blame myself for the fact that people die & I can thank my God that HE loved me enough to keep death from being the end!
If anyone who ever walked this earth deserved to have their prayer answered in the way they wished, it was Jesus! He was the only humanbeing to never fail HIS Father & yet God allowed him to suffer (unfairly) & die so that I can spend an eternity with HIM. Before I jump on the "God's so unfair for not answering my prayers" boat, I must recognize that the only reason HE even hears my prayers period is because HE unfairly gave up HIS own son to die upon a cross. In light of HIS sacrifice I have no stance for why my life is unfair.
So here is where I am today... I am accepting that God created Lexi to spend an eternity in Heaven with HIM. This world is simply a blink of an eye in the spectrum of eternity. As a Christian my only goal for children should be this.... that they spend an eternity with the LORD. Although next Saturday will be one of the hardest days of my life, as I will celebrate the twins birthday with only Lindsey, I am going to fight with everything in me to find strength in the Lord. I am going to strive to view this world through HIS eyes & realize that Heaven is where we all should be. Someday I will celebrate another birthday with the twins & this painful loss will fade to memory as all things are made right in the presence of my FATHER.
Thank you Lord for being so incredibly unfair to your one & only son for a sinner like me. Help me to look to the cross before I look at my loss. I want to submit to you! I want to give you the glory & the praise for the time that you gave me with Lexi & for the eternity that you will give me with her when my time on this earth is over. I was so blessed to have her, no matter how short the time was. Thank you for never leaving my side. Hold each of us in your arms of unfailing love this week! Give us your joy, your peace, & your love. Walk with us always.
In Jesus Name,