Psalm 139:23

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of the everlasting."

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Sweetly Broken

Today I find myself contemplating on the journey. These last few years have been amazing & challenging all at the same time. I am broken in so many different ways. This disease has changed me from the inside out. I understand what it is like to struggle daily. I also understand the peace that surpasses understanding that only The Lord can provide. 

What I have come to realize is that it is in my brokenness that God's glory shines through. For so long I have wanted a way out of this mess! I've looked for ways to cover up the scars. I've longed for the life that I used to have. I've wanted to go back to the days where I sympathized for people who fought difficult diseases, but I didn't know how to empathize. However, God has not "saved" me from Lyme. Instead God has reminded me to, "Be still & know..."

This past week I was reminded of the story of Jacob. I love this story! I have emotionally wrestled God many times this year, so I can relate on a deep level. After wrestling God it is said that Jacob used a staff to lean on for the rest of his life. No one gets to wrestle with God & walk away unchanged :).  From that day forward he was forced to literally lean on God. 

Today I am broken in a way that may never be fully healed. Because of a small bite on my left hip my entire body has taken a beating. As a result I have learned to lean on God every moment of every day. Full dependency on God is no longer a cliche that we hear at church when it is convenient. In the same way that Jacob couldn't walk without his staff I realize that I can't get through the days without God's sovereign power! I have learned to pray for the little things. This struggle has brought about a deeper relationship with God than I ever knew to search for before. You see, that's the beauty of being broken. I have a deep realization that I cannot do this on my own. 

As I hit my five year mark today I continue to pray for healing. I know that God can fully heal me if that is His choice. More importantly I know that He will sustain me regardless. Maybe brokenness isn't such an devastating disaster. Maybe there is more security in the brokenness. It is when I try to do life by myself that I tend to find the most trouble. When I am wrapped in the arms of my Heavenly Father I am fulfilled in a way I've never known & that my friends is when brokenness becomes beautiful. 

We serve a God who loved us so much that He was willing to be broken one piece at a time. Today I rest in the assurance that there was one who went before me. HIS brokenness saved the entire world! While I won't save the world, I pray that Lyme Disease becomes a victory for the kingdom. I pray that in the brokenness HIS light will shine!

"But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run & not grow weary. They will walk & not faint."- Isaiah 40:31

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