Saturday, July 11, 2015
Today I find myself contemplating on the journey. These last few years have been amazing & challenging all at the same time. I am broken in so many different ways. This disease has changed me from the inside out. I understand what it is like to struggle daily. I also understand the peace that surpasses understanding that only The Lord can provide.
What I have come to realize is that it is in my brokenness that God's glory shines through. For so long I have wanted a way out of this mess! I've looked for ways to cover up the scars. I've longed for the life that I used to have. I've wanted to go back to the days where I sympathized for people who fought difficult diseases, but I didn't know how to empathize. However, God has not "saved" me from Lyme. Instead God has reminded me to, "Be still & know..."
This past week I was reminded of the story of Jacob. I love this story! I have emotionally wrestled God many times this year, so I can relate on a deep level. After wrestling God it is said that Jacob used a staff to lean on for the rest of his life. No one gets to wrestle with God & walk away unchanged :). From that day forward he was forced to literally lean on God.
Today I am broken in a way that may never be fully healed. Because of a small bite on my left hip my entire body has taken a beating. As a result I have learned to lean on God every moment of every day. Full dependency on God is no longer a cliche that we hear at church when it is convenient. In the same way that Jacob couldn't walk without his staff I realize that I can't get through the days without God's sovereign power! I have learned to pray for the little things. This struggle has brought about a deeper relationship with God than I ever knew to search for before. You see, that's the beauty of being broken. I have a deep realization that I cannot do this on my own.
As I hit my five year mark today I continue to pray for healing. I know that God can fully heal me if that is His choice. More importantly I know that He will sustain me regardless. Maybe brokenness isn't such an devastating disaster. Maybe there is more security in the brokenness. It is when I try to do life by myself that I tend to find the most trouble. When I am wrapped in the arms of my Heavenly Father I am fulfilled in a way I've never known & that my friends is when brokenness becomes beautiful.
We serve a God who loved us so much that He was willing to be broken one piece at a time. Today I rest in the assurance that there was one who went before me. HIS brokenness saved the entire world! While I won't save the world, I pray that Lyme Disease becomes a victory for the kingdom. I pray that in the brokenness HIS light will shine!
"But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run & not grow weary. They will walk & not faint."- Isaiah 40:31